I literally just now caught up on all the Bachelorette shows I’ve missed. I was three episodes behind — a reality that I intensely struggled with. Things have been cray. I visited home and my baby niece was born, so I obvi didn’t have time to watch the show/blog because I was too busy being an aunt.
Perfection.
Aaaaaand then I came back to Florida to find out that I was homeless because my new apartment wasn’t suitable to move into. So, I have excuses for neglecting my blog. I’m an aunt! I was homeless! But anyway, as I was saying, I just caught up and have been informed by our beloved host Chris Harrison that JUAN PABLO IS THE NEXT BACHELOR.
OMG
….I am nearly speechless in my joy and excitement about this. Is he as sexy as Roberto Martinez? No. Nobody is. But is he still extremely sexy? Si. Si si si si si.
You best believe I’ll be back in January blogging like a fiend about Juan Pablo. Come back and read!
Dez and the men are in Portugal this week. They stand at the nose of a boat as it forges through ocean waves, and Zak wonders to himself…Is this a dream? It is so breathtaking here. This is the hidden pearl of the Atlantic. It is truly built for love.
After Dez parts ways with the men, she meets up with three of her fellow contestants from Sean’s season: Jackie, Lesley, and ….CATHERINE. (OMG. I LOVE CATHERINE. I FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM.)
Dez sits down with the girls and gossips about her men over cocktails — But not before Dez asks Catherine about how she and Sean are doing with a tinge of envy in her eyes. Dez tells the girls that she’s falling in love with a couple of the guys. Then, they spy the men at a nearby pool in their swim trunks, so an abc intern scurries forth to give each of the women a pair of binoculars to stare at their naked torsos with. Dez smirks because she feelin’ like a pimp.
Catherine asks Dez which one of the men has the biggest ween, which is highly inappropriate but hilarious because it’s Catherine and I have a girl crush on her.
Brooks and Dez’s Date
1. Dez drives Brooks up into the mountains. Brooks is super nervie because he isn’t used to being alone with Dez, since he’s been on so many group dates. They drive so high up into the mountains that they are in/above the clouds, which is awesome.
2. Dez leads Brooksie to the edge of a cliff and they sit down to snuggle and tell each other how into the other they are.
Gorge.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The next date card arrives for Chris: “Let’s sea if we can find love here.”
Back at the date…
3. The cameraman does a tight shot of a cat as it lets out a strangled meow….? What is wrong with the people who edit this show.
This makes no sense.
4. Dez and Brooks sit down to din din and Dez makes a toast to one of the best days she’s ever had. Brooks explains that his family is really important to him/he’s obsessed with them, and we gather that he is feeling stressed about introducing her to them.
5. Brooks realizes that he’s not into Dez as much as she’s into him, because she says that she’s running toward being in love with him, while he’s more jogging/trotting toward love.
Dez and Chris’ Date
1. Dez takes Chris onto a yacht in the open water. They strip down to their swim suits and sensually rub sunscreen on each other.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The next date card arrives for Michael: “Let’s have fun.” This means that Zak and Drew will be going on the two-on-one date.
Back at the date…
2. Chris and Dez pull up to a deserted island. Chris requests that they write a poem together, put it in a bottle and toss it into the waves. They do. Chris tells the camera that he’s scheming to tell Dez that he loves her later at dinner.
3. At dinner, Chris asks Dez some serious questions.
C: How many kids do you want?
D: I don’t have a number in mind, but exactly 3 children.
C: My family is so important to me. And I know they would be obsessed with you.
D: I’m sure.
Chris starts to sweat bullets and accidentally knocks his wine glass over. He’s getting super nervous because he’s planning to profess his love at this point. Naturally, he whips out a sheet of paper and recites a poem to Dez. She’s totes into it, cries a little, and gives him lots of kisses.
4. Then, they go on a walk and make out a bunch more. Chris informs the camera that he’s found the one.
Michael and Dez’s Date
1. Dez is wearing a weird drug rug dress, but we’ll try to look past it and place our judgments solely on Michael.
2. As they stroll around town, Michael seamlessly falls into the role of sugar daddy and buys Dez some jewelry at a market.
3. Then, they go and watch some swans swim around in a pond. After that, they hop on some weird rolling bench and let two men in costumes push them down several city streets.
4. Later, at dinner, Michael talks about how his dad left him and didn’t help pay for his hospital bills when he got diabetes. Despite this, Michael doesn’t hate his father, but has learned that he doesn’t want to be like that when he fathers Dez’s children.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The two on one date card arrives for Drew and Zak: “I’m looking for a man that can make my heart race.”
Back at the date…
5. Michael tells Dez that his last girlfriend cheated on him, which destroyed his heart. But, now he is happily falling in love with her and experiencing emotions he thought he would never feel again. Yayz.
Two On One Date
1. Dez invites Zak and Drew to a race car track, where they promptly hop into a few go-carts. After driving around the track as a threesome, Dez asks Zak and Drew to race each other. The winner will get a special prize. Zak wins.
2. They head over to a blanket and eat chocolate covered strawberries together for a few minutes. Dez tells Zak that the special prize is getting alone time with her first, which is kinda lame, but Zak is still happy about it.
3. Zak brings a big sketch pad with him for his alone time with Dez. He tells her that he’s been drawing pics of everything they’ve done together thus far. His first picture is a sketch of his killer abs.
Gracias, pero no.
Omg, stop it.
4. Drew gets his alone time next. Drew may or may not actually like women, but I will reserve judgments for Dez and/or Chris Harrison who has the power to expose him when/if the time is right. During their alone time, Drew and Dez giggle together like a couple of girly girls and then he tells her that his fam is totes excited to meet her.
“I’ve never had this feeling with anyone. It feels like you’ve known me my entire life,” he gushes. “I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Dez is overjoyed and she awards him the date rose. Zak is devastated because he thought the sketch of his abs had won him the date rose, for sure. Sorry bout ya.
Rose Ceremony
1. Dez’s dress is hot.
Hot.
2. During her therapy session with Harrison, Dez tells him that she’s completely in love with Brooks. It makes her cry a little just to think about her love for him. Harrison reminds her that Brooks hasn’t told her that he loves her yet, and she admits that yes, she is worried about this. But she’s not afraid of getting hurt, so bring it on, Brooks.
Let’s hope Brooks starts to love her next week, I guess.
3. Next, Dez reveals to Hare that she’s also falling in love with Chris, but mostly because he’s her safety net. She knows he’s totes obsessed with her and would never leave her…so if she has to, she’ll resort to him. Good plan.
4. Dez rejects Michael, who looks like he might vom on the spot upon hearing the news. He tells Dez that his heart is broken but he still thinks the world of her. ( He’s probs just being so nice because he wants to be the next Bach)
Michael tells Dez that it’s going to be hard to date after her because no girl could ever measure up. Then, he gets into the rejection limo and starts to whimper, as is customary. He calls his momma to tell her that she won’t be getting to meet Dez. Sad timez.
Next week: A giant penguin in a Hawaiian shirt attacks Dez.
This week we are in Barcelona, which is the perfect place to fall in love, as usual. Michael opens the episode by informing us that his duty this week is to expose yet another weasel: James.
The first date card of the week goes to Drew:
“Let’s build a foundation for love.”
Dez & Drew’s Date
1. Dez and Drew meet up in a street somewhere. Then they walk around and look at stuff and also kiss each other a lot.
2. Over an assortment of treats in a dessert shop, Drew tells Dez that he wants to be just like his dad because his dad is the best man ever. He’s his hero. Dez is touched and inspired.
Precious moments.
3. Later, they walk the streets of Barcelona at night and awkwardly gyrate to a small band playing in an alley.
4. Next, they head through a midget doorway and find an intimate dinner table. After having a boring conversation, Drew stares into Dez’s eyes hungrily. Suddenly, he jumps up from his chair, grabs her hand, and pulls her away from the cameras.
Drew leads Dez to an alley, slams her against the brick wall and viciously makes out with her. If this were done by anybody but Drew I might find this hot…but it’s just Drew.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The group date card arrives:
“Looooooooove!”
(Each “o” in “love” is decorated to look like a little soccer ball.)
Back at the date…
5. Dez gives Drew the date rose. Once he realizes he’s in the clear and has solidified a spot for next week, he decides to bring up the topic of James. He tells her that he overheard James and Cross-eye talking about all the hoes they’re gonna date and dance with on boats when the show is over. James also mentioned wanting to be the next Bachelor.
Upon hearing this news, Dez looks murderous.
Group Date
1. Look at Michael’s hair accessory that makes no sense and has nothing to do with the present occasion:
Never failing to look ridiculous.
2. Dez looks super cute today:
Glowing cuz everybody loves her. Except for James, but who cares.
3. Dez takes the men to a soccer stadium. Juan Pablo has played professional soccer before so he looks completely delicious while he’s kicking the ball around the field. #sisi
4. Dez tells the men that she is going to compete against them in a soccer game with the help of a special team. She goes to fetch them and we see that her team is made up of professional female soccer players (don’t worry, the abc producers were sure to pick ones who aren’t hotter than Dez).
The men think this is a joke because men are better than women at everything, right?!?
WRONG. You dumb idiots.
James, the men’s team goalie, is completely worthless, despite the fact that he’s the same size as the goal. The men suffer terribly and lose the soccer game (obviiiii).
5. Later, the men meet up with Dez for a cocktail party. Dez pulls Chris away from the group and takes him to a bedroom (?? why is there a bedroom here?). She then whips out a poem that she wrote for him. They are totes into each other.
6. Meanwhile, the other men are discussing their plan of attack on James. Drew summons James to come sit among them and confronts him about the conversation he overheard. James initially looks flabbergasted, but quickly switches to defensive mode.
He tells the guys that he wasn’t the one who started the convo and completely throws his boy Cross-eye under the bus. Then, he denies that he ever said he wanted to be the next bachelor. Then, he stands up and starts to scream at all the men that he did actually say he wanted to be the next bachelor, but he was just kidding.
Clearly, James is a sinister character who is being trapped within his web of lies.
7. Kasey sits down with Dez and tells her that he also overheard what James and Cross-eye had said. This leaves Dez no choice but to get to the bottom of the situation immediately.
8. Dez announces that she will not be giving out a date rose and ushers everyone out except for James, who has to stay behind for a tough conversation.
Once Dez tells James of his treachery and deceit, he immediately starts to cry. He swears on his dad that he never said anything like what the guys are saying (which is extra messed up because his dad is dying of cancer). As tears stream down his nasty cheeks, he says that he thinks the guys are threatened by him and it just gives him a big old headache.
stfu.
His tears have served their purpose, which is to confuse Dez. She starts to cry too. She takes a moment to herself to think and then comes back and tells James that she’s not sending him home.
What.
9. Back at the hotel, the other men speculate that James will return enraged and will attempt to beat them all. They have Harrison’s number dialed and ready for an emergency call for help.
When James arrives, he disappoints us all by simply saying, “Gentleman….goodnight,” and retreating to his room. Lame.
Dez & Zak’s Date
1. While Dez waits for Zak to show up, she sits on a cobblestone wall and sketches some stuff. She’s still confused about James, but drawing some pics helps calm her restless spirit.
2. Dez takes Zak to an art studio and they draw some things, including portraits of each other.
Here’s Zak’s portrait of Dez:
….there’s doo doo on her face.
3. Next, an emaciated man comes in and gets naked so Zak and Dez have to draw him.
Look at Zak’s face:
Disturbed x 1000000
4. Dez gives Zak the date rose and they have a hot and heavy make out sesh in a nearby hallway.
Dez Confronts James Again
Dez and James have another conversation about his treachery. He changes his story again and tells her that he did say those things, but he was just trying to be realistic about the situation in case he gets eliminated. She allows him to stay.
Afterward, James joins the other men in their hotel room and tells them that he’s planning to date like a crazy fool if he leaves this show. He also says it would be a win win situation if he becomes the next bachelor.
Sinisterrrrrrrrrr
Rose Ceremony
1. Dez looks hot:
2. Michael gets the last rose, despite the fact that he can’t seem to figure out how to not have terrible hair.
3. Kasey, James, and Juan Pablo are sent home. (Marry me, Juan. Por favor.)
Coming up: Everybody cries and freaks out a dozen times each. WHAT HAPPENS?!?!? OMG. Can’t wait. Stay tuned.
This week we find ourselves in stately Munich, Germany. The men are thrilled to be here and Dez is certain, as usual, that this is the perfect place to pursue love. Harrison announces that this week there will be a dreaded two-on-one date, which is crappy for the men, but ideal for us.
The men head to their hotel suite and discover the first date card. Chris is the lucky winner, but the card is written in German, so it is worthless. But he’s totes excited anyway. He hurries to the mirror to add more gel to his hair and heads off on his adventure with Dez.
Chris & Dez’s Date
1. Phrase book in hand, Chris and Dez hit the streets of Munich in search of good times. They happen upon an albino midget Pinocchio man.
Besties.
Then they share a sausage
Gross.
Then they try on costumes. Because there are always costumes.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
Bryden is still feeling iffy about liking Dez. He confides in James and says he’s decided to go home. Then, he throws on a jacket and ventures out to find Dez, interrupt her date, and tell her that he doesn’t want her. Rude.
Back at the date…
2. Chris and Dez are dancing around in a town square.
3. Instead of helping find the location of the camera crew/Dez and Chris, ABC decides to film Bryden struggling in his search. He is left with a single, apparently mute, cameraman who does not help him in the least. Bryden finally finds some tourists who can speak English and locates Dez.
Cue the tight shot of a stone ghoul…???
….this makes no sense.
Instead of approaching the couple, Bryden creepily watches them from afar. Finally, he approaches and pulls Dez away. Chris is a good sport about it.
Bryden tells Dez that he doesn’t want her and she cries a little but is mostly okay. She soothes her pain and confusion by drinking massive beers with Chris, who is obsessed with her, so no worries.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The group date card arrives: “Will you climb the highest mountain for me?”
All of the men are called on the date except for Michael and Ben, which means they have been chosen for the dreaded two-on-one date. This is a struggle for Michael because he hates Ben with every part of his being. He considers the date a gladiator-style setting, and as such, he must murder Ben with sharp spears aka his cutting words.
Btw, look at his hair:
Welp. Doesn’t get more hideous than that.
Back at the date…
4. Chris and Dez are in a palace for din din. Their conversation takes a turn for the awkward when they discuss each other’s exes. I thought there was a rule to never do this on a first date….?
5. Chris wrote her a poem, obvi, so he recites it real quick. Dez cries a little. Then they make out.
6. Dez announces that there is something more to this date…and it’s an impromptu concert! How unique and unusual!
Group Date
1. Dez takes the men to the top of a snowy mountain to play. They hang out with some old guy who yodels from mountain tops and then hop on some sleds and tumble down a treacherous mountain slope. Zak claims that love is like sledding down this slope. Somebody was bound to say it.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The two-on-one date card arrives:
“Let’s heat things up.”
Michael’s all, “No thanks, I’d rather die than hang out with Ben.” And Ben’s all like, “I’m not concerned, Dez is totes into me.”
Back at the date…
2. Dez and the men happen upon a hobbit hole in the middle of the snow…inside is an entire igloo hotel. So awesommmmeee.
cooooooooool!!!!!!
3. Cross-eye and Dez make mini snowmen which is a lame idea, but he’s lame so that makes sense.
4. Cross-eye’s one-on-one time with Dez is interrupted by Zak, who yodels over to Dez and asks her to come have some drinks with him.
5. We discover from the other men that James is a shady character. Apparently, he’s a total jerk around the other guys and is only sweet when he’s with Dez or is feeding himself chocolate covered strawberries (that’s his fave hobby).
6. Dez gives the date rose to Brooksie because she likes his long hairs.
The Dreaded Two-On-One Date
1. Michael has made it his mission to expose Ben for the sneaky man that he is. They ride in the limo together in complete silence. When the meet up with Dez, Michael hurries to give her a hug first. Then, they all sit on a bench together and sip on hot chocolate while looking miserable.
2. Dez suggests that they all jump into the freezing cold lake nearby. This sounds like a terrible idea. They go change into their swim suits and Michael puts this thing on his head:
…..why.
Right before they are about to jump into the water, Dez LOL’s and says she was just kidding. They aren’t going to jump into the freezing cold water. Instead, they are going to hop into a hot tub that can be steered through the lake like a little boat. Best. Invention. Ever.
3. In the floating hot tub, Michael begins the attack. He questions Ben’s character as a father. He announces that Ben reminds him a lot of his own father, who abandoned him at a young age. Ben is mad, but he keeps his cool.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The men are discussing how both Ben and James are here for the wrong reasons. Apparently, James has been overheard saying that he is planning to run Chicago like a mob boss because everyone will know him after he has been on the Bachelorette. He has also said that he wants to be the next bach. The men are outraged.
Back at the date…
4. The awkward threesome sit down for dinner. Michael goes in.
Michael: “Hey, Ben. I feel like you haven’t gotten along with anyone in the house. Why is that?”
Ben: “I’m not here to make friends. I want Dez.”
Michael: “Yeahhhh…but this is a group of guys who aren’t hard to get along with. So something is wrong with you.”
Ben: “……..”
Dez: (awkwardly laughs and chugs a glass of red wine)
“….so, Ben, what family traditions are you looking forward to in life?”
Ben: “Well, I’d love to always go to church on Sundays with my family–”
Michael: “Oh, so you like church, huh? Why is it that you didn’t attend church on Easter Sunday, Ben? There were a bunch of us guys who went. A Jewish man. A Christian man. Hell, even one of the guys who practices Hinduism. Why weren’t you there?”
Ben: “Well, it was tough, because this was my first Easter away from my son–”
Michael: “You didn’t talk to your son on Easter.”
Ben: “……May I be excused?”
5. While Ben is outside cooling off, Dez is feeling extremely awkward. She tells Michael that calling Ben out was completely unnecessary and admits that it made her feel uncomfortable. Michael apologizes but explains that he had no choice. Ben must be exposed.
6. Dez is annoyed with Michael but she’s also skeptical about Ben because she knows it’s odd that he can’t get along with other men. She goes outside to console Ben and all seems well.
7. Next, she has alone time with Michael and asks him why he is so passionate about hating Ben. He tells her that all Ben talks about is the success his bar business will have after the fame he gets from being on the show.
8. Dez gives the date rose to Michael. Ben immediately gets up and refuses to allow Dez to walk him out. He then proceeds to pace around outside muttering angrily to himself.
In the rejection limo, he shows his true colors: “Hey Hollywood! You missed out on having a single dad from Texas as your next Bachelor. Now I’m gonna have fun on my last night in Munich…lez get druuuunk! Btw, how long do I have to wait until I can be seen in public with another girl?? Cuz I don’t want to wait (maniacally laughs).”
…yikes. Ben is a meanie.
Rose Ceremony
1. Am I the only one who thinks Dez looks kinda like a grandma?
2. Hare and Dez sit down for a therapy sesh. Dez says she likes kissing Brooks the most, but Zak is the most sexual. Gross.
3. Dez doesn’t want a cocktail party because she already knows who she’s going to send home. She announces this to the men and everybody looks scared, but James yells out, “you look beautiful” in an attempt to ensure he’s on her good side. James is the worst.
4. Cross-eye goes home. Good day, sir.
5. James gets the last rose, but no worries, he will be outed next week. See you then!
New Monday. New hideous shirt worn by our beloved host, Chris Harrison.
Sad day.
It’s time for the boys to hit the road with Desiree. First stop: Atlantic City. Hare hands them the first date card before they head off to pack their bags:
“Brad, let our love shine through.”
Brad and Dez’s Date
1. Brad and Dez take a stroll down the boardwalk and enjoy all the carnival rides. They run through Willy Wonka’s candy factory and snatch treats off the conveyor belts. Nevermind the fact that this is completely unsanitary and they are contaminating the factory equipment. Note to self: Don’t eat chocolate covered pretzels in Atlantic City.
Not even wearing hair nets. Smh.
2. Meanwhile, Zak is standing at the window of the boys’ hotel suite and staring down at ant-sized Dez and Brad while they scurry around the boardwalk. He’s 40 stories high and creepin’. We expect nothing different from this man.
3. Dez and Brad head to the beach and sit in front of an ornate sandcastle that some abc intern built. They chat for a little, and it is boring.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The group date card arrives:
“I’m looking for my Mr. Right.”
Back at the date…
4. Dez and Brad eat some dinner and have more awkwardly boring conversation. In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Dez suggests they climb to the top of the light house to share a romantic moment. When they reach the top, Brad wheezes loudly but doesn’t so much as put an arm around Dez. Dead silence ensues.
Finally, Dez says that something is missing and she sends him packing.
“I want a love that can light the darkness, much like this lighthouse I now stand on,” Dez tells the camera. “I don’t think Brad and I have that love.” #word
5. Meanwhile, Brad is taking the long, winding staircase down the lighthouse and he’s crying the whole time. Ew.
Group Date
1. The men are to compete in the Bachelorette‘s Mr. America pageant.
2. Michael often dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a child, so that makes one of him. No other man shares this dream.
Beside himself with joy.
3. The guys sort through a table full of props to find a special talent they can compete with. Surpriiiiiise! Juan Pablo can twirl a baton like it aint no thang.
….why does this make him more hot??
4. Chris decides he’s going to put heels on for some devastating reason.
Yucky.
5. True to form, the Bachelor producers are looking for every opportunity to degrade the men, so the guys are assigned various tiny speedos to wear for the swimsuit competish.
6. During the question portion of the competition, Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter. UM. WHAT.
7. During the talent portion, Kasey tap dances and it is surprisingly alluring.
8. Cross-eye is wearing clothes that are way too tight and then he strips them off to my dismay.
Go away.
9. Zak plays the guitar and sings country music and Dez looks like she’s going to cry.
10. Kasey rightfully wins Mr. America because he’s completely adorable. I think he is currently my fave.
11. At the after party, Chris tells Dez that he writes poetry, and then whips a journal full of poems out while they are chillin’ in the pool. He’s pretty sure that poem earned him a rose. Good luck, Jiminy Cricket.
12. Meanwhile, everybody hates Ben, so they yell at him for having his one-on-one time with Dez in the section of pool right in front of them. Ben makes no apology for the spot he chose for his chat with Dez. That’s right, Ben. Stay strong.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
James is walking around in a fluffy white robe. He decides to take a bubble bath. During his bubble bath, he feeds himself chocolate covered strawberries. This is disturbing behavior.
Not a moment too soon, his date card arrives:
“James, can our love weather the storm?”
Back at the date…
13. Zak serenades Dez with more country music. She gives him the date rose. Eh.
James & Dez’s Date
1. A Red Cross lady takes Dez and James on a helicopter flight along the Jersey shore so they can see the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy. James admits that this is kind of a depressing date, but he’s excited just to be with Dez.
2. After getting the helicopter tour, the couple walk around the destroyed streets to get a close-up view of what happened. They meet up with an older couple who were in their home when the storm hit. James and Dez get a tour of the couple’s home and hear their sad story.
3. The old couple missed celebrating their anniversary because the storm ruined it, so Dez gives them her and James’ date. A limo comes and picks up the old couple. Then we have to watch the old couple’s date, which is kinda weird, but we’ll roll with it because it’s sweet.
precious moments.
4. Dez and James head to a nearby restaurant to grub. James is totes into Dez so he feels the need to be completely honest with her. He admits that he cheated on his girlfriend in college, which is bad news bears.
5. Back at the old people date, the couple receive a letter from the Red Cross lady. She restored a photo album they lost in the storm. This is precious. Dez and James crash their date and snatch their photo album away to have a looksie. Then they all chat about everlasting love.
Dez tells the couple that she has one last surprise in store for them (fantasy suite?!?!?!)
No. It’s a concert. Obvs. James and Dez dance with the old couple to create yet another precious moment.
Rose Ceremony
1. Bryden tells all the guys that he’s not sure if he wants to be here anymore. He’s not really feelin’ Dez these days.
2. Dez tells Chris that they are friends forevz and then tries to do a secret handshake with him. Chris has been friend zoned, for sure.
3. Bryden sits Dez down and says that he’s concerned about where their relationship is going. She assures him that she totes wants him there. She gives him a rose at the rose ceremony and he doesn’t refuse it. We can count on the other men to express their qualms about this in the next episode.
4. Some guy whom I’ve never seen before goes home. Apparently his name is Zach.
Next week the men and Dez are traveling to Munich, Germany and there will be lots of dramz. Yeah! See you here for the recap.
Harrison opens the episode by showing up to the Bachelor Mansion in a bright, slightly hideous plaid shirt (he’s getting more eccentric with every passing season). He chucks the first date card at the group, which reads:
“Love is a battlefield”
Group Date
1. Michael is upset that Ben is going on this date, but what he should really be upset about is the fact that his tiny head, weird hair, and nerdy voice don’t match his ginormous torso and beefed-up lat muscles.
2. A limo transports the guys to an athletically-dressed Dez. She steps aside to reveal a gym full of sullen-faced dodgeball guys. They look ridiculous:
Proof.….Except this dodgeball guy is kinda hot.
3. The dodgeball guys teach Dez’s men how to play the game by lining them up on the opposite side of the gym and attempting to give them concussions with fast-flying balls.
Hold the balls, errebody, Harrison is on the scene. He announces that the bachelors will battle each other in a dodgeball tournament.
The camera pans out and we see a glimpse of Brooks’ disgusting half-up, half-down hairdo.
Yucky.
4. The men suit up in ill-advised dodgeball gear and head out to a public court to compete.
5. Look at Michael’s hair:
………
6. The dodgeball game begins and everybody is real intense. The blue team wins the first game, so they proceed to jump around and hump one another. Meanwhile, the red team huddles up to work out a strategy for the next battle.
7. Hare does an excellent job of commentating from the sidelines
Hey, hottie. But for real…no more of those shirts with the flower-print cuffs, Hare. Plz.
8. The red team wins the second game, so they obvi jump around and hump one another.
9. It is the final game of the tourney. Hare calls “DODGEBALLLLLL!” and everyone rushes to the center line to grab a ball. Suddenly, Brooks has collapsed onto the court. His face is the picture of agony. He has been mortally injured in what is quite possibly one of the greatest battles for love our country has ever witnessed on national television.
He holds up a bloody and broken finger. Dez rushes to his side and grasps at his mangled hand. Tears stream down her cheeks and she whispers that everything will be all right.
10. The game resumes. After a nail-biting few minutes, the blue team wins. They all lay on the ground this time to hump one another. Then Dez jumps on someone’s back and they run a victory lap around the court.
11. Meanwhile, Brooks is hooked up to oxygen and is getting surgery done on his poor phalange.
12. Dez takes the men to a rooftop after party. Surprise, surprise, somebody has a haunted past that they want to reveal to Dez. Some guy has a 3-year-old son. I don’t know his name because this is the first time I’ve ever seen him. His baby mamma is cray cray and had a restraining order taken out on him (red flag??). Dez takes this news well.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
The next date card goes to Kasey:
“Love defies gravity”
Back at the date…
13. Ummm…who is this?
?? Who is this strange, Jiminy Cricket-looking man?
This character named Chris makes himself known on this date by taking Dez to a roof for some intimate convo. Dez is slightly inebriated after drinking one too many glasses of red wine and gushes that this is the most incredible thing she has ever experienced in her entire existence.
Dez gives the date rose to Chris, so they get to attend a private concert nearby, where some obscure singer performs, per usual. They dance and make out and all the men silently cry into their hands as they miserably hang out with each other.
Dramz
1. Dez is busy journaling when she is interrupted by her ringing iphone. She shimmies over to pick it up in what appears to be no pants….oh wait, those are flesh-toned, skin-tight leggings that make her look naked. Gross.
Girl, no.
2. Hare informs Dez that there are some serious dramz going down. Apparently there is someone here for the wrong reasons. She hurries over to the bachelor mansion and summons Bryan to have a chat with her outside. She asks him if he is sincere. He assures her that, although he just broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago, he is ready to be in love again.
3. “Oh yeah?” Dez replies, “Well are you ready for THIS?!” She points to Harrison, escorting a woman their way.
“Hi, I’m Bryan’s girlfriend, Stephanie,” says the woman. Then she gives Dez a hug, which is weird.
Bryan admits that he had a relationship with Stephanie….but Steph is getting hysterical because he came on this show without telling her. Plus, he obvi doesn’t care about her son, who he was a father figure to.
Bry Bry tries to defend himself. “SHE THREW ROCKS AT MY FACE!!” he exclaims.
“Yes. I threw rocks at your face.” Steph replies.
“THIS WAS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP!!” screams Bry Bry.
“Did you or did you not sleep together two nights before coming on this show?” Hare asks.
“Yes…I had sexual relations with this woman,” admits Bryan.
Case closed. “Get out.” says Dez.
4. Dez makes an announcement to the rest of the men. She tells them to fess up now if they have any dark secrets. Errebody looks scared.
5. This whole situation reminds Brandon of how his father and countless other men walked in and out of his life…because his mom was a single mom, just like Steph. He cries about it a little.
………..
6. The men receive the next group date card:
“Who will be the lone man standing?”
Kasey & Dez’s Date
1. Dez brings Kasey to a sky scraper. People are dancing up the side of it, suspended from ropes. Dez announces that they will also be doing this. Typical.
2. Later, they have din din on the rooftop of the same building they danced on. A hurricane starts, so, naturally, they decide to jump into a freezing cold swimming pool. As the winds whip around them, Kasey throws a towel on Dez’s head to keep her warm. This, however, doesn’t serve its intended purpose and instead makes her look like a 19th century peasant.
Kasey tries to make it better by kissing her, but this doesn’t work out well because everything is falling apart and crashing to the ground in the treacherous winds. Finally, they put on robes and head inside. Dez gives him the date rose because she finds him cute.
Group Date
1. The men hop into a covered wagon and are transported to a ranch, where Dez is waiting in an old-fashioned saloon dress. As she’s waving to the guys, a man comes up behind her and she “fights him” and “throws him off the balcony”.
It was all pretend, because today they are working with some of Hollywood’s greatest stunt men to learn how to fight like cowboys. The same guys who trained Johnny Depp for the movie The Lone Ranger are working with the bachelors.
2. The men get dressed in costumes and Dez thinks they look sexy. They each do a little pretend-fight skit-thingy for Dez. Some guy splits his pants during his performance. Juan Pablo croons to Dez in Spanish during his.
3. Juan Pablo obvi wins the skit challenge and scores the extra one-on-one time with Dez. The two of them head to a barn, where they eat “popcorns” and watch an advanced screening of The Lone Ranger. Juan Pablo sensually kisses and caresses Dez during the movie. Ay dios mio, so caliente.
4. At the after party, Dez is wearing a blanket with tassels as a shirt, which is unfortunate. She and the guys drink moonshine out of jars and chat around the fire.
5. In his alone time with Dez, James straight up asks her if she thinks they have a future together, because he doesn’t want to waste his time. His dad is battling cancer back home. She immediately awards him the date rose.
Rose Ceremony
1. Harrison announces that there will be a pool party instead of a cocktail party before the rose ceremony. While all the men hang by the pool and wait for Dez to show up, Ben loiters by the front door and watches for her car. When she pulls up, he scurries out and hops in. He asks her to go for a spin with him behind the other guys’ backs.
He is wearing this atrocious tank top:
Whyyyyyyyyy
2. Ben tells Dez not to say a word about this to the other guys, but a few of them witnessed him sneaking out of her car when they come back to the mansion. Michael and Cross-eye corner Ben and try to intimidate him. They are sick of his sneaking ways. Ben cares not.
3. Brandon pulls Dez aside and tells her that he can’t stop thinking about her and that he’s definitely falling in love with her, even though they’ve talked a total of 3 times.
4. Dez realizes that Brandon is completely insane and sends him home at the rose ceremony. Good call, girl.
Even though she made an excellent decision, Dez feels bad for rejecting Brandon. She follows him outside to explain that there was no chemistry. He, surprisingly, does not break into hysterics. So long, Brandon. May we never see you again.
The battle for Dez’s heart rages on next week. See you here for the recap.
This is my hobby. 