This week’s episode was so full of hate. Everybody was being a mean girl. And, surprisingly, their target wasn’t Lace-Face. It all began with an early morning gossip sesh at the Bachelor mansion….
Girl 1: “Ugh, Olivia is so hideous. Like, honestly, her mouth looks like a baby bird waiting to be fed. Or like, a baby dinosaur rawr-ing. So gross.”
Girl 2: “Yah. And her breath TOTES stinks, idk how Ben kisses her.”
Girl 3: “UGH NAST.”
Girl 1: “And byyyy the way, she spends like, $40k on her clothing annually. Like, who does that?!?”
Girls 2 & 3: “!!!!!!!!!!”
“Good morning, ladies. Whoa. The tension in this mansion is super heavy right now. (shivers). Anyway, here’s the date card.”
The date card is for one of the Lauren’s: “The sky’s the limit.”
Ben & Lauren B.’s Date:
- Because Lauren is a flight attendant, the producers thought it would be appropriate to plan and aerial-themed date for her. Ben loads her up in a stunt plane.
- Lauren is totes scared of the stunt plane ride, but Higgy’s hand on her thigh makes it all better.
- The plane is so tiny and their heads are just sticking out of the top of it….and I just wonder, like…what if a bird flies into their noggins?
- Higz and Lauren aren’t worried about possible incoming birds. They are busy making out.
- The plane lands in the middle of a field and Ben offers Lauren a piggy back ride, because they’re gonna hike a little. She accepts.
- Ben brings Lauren to a hot tub, sitting alone in a field. In fact, it’s the same hot tub that he snuggled with Caila and Kevin Hart in last week. Just, now in a field.
- Lauren goes behind a tree and shimmies into the swim suit the Bachelor intern throws at her.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion….
Caila is having a total break down. And it’s not because her name is spelled like that. It’s because she just realized she’s on a dating show (insert eye roll emoji here).
The group date card arrives: “Love is the goal”
Back at the date…
9. Ben and Lauren are having dinner, and it’s obvi that she is his fave. He is bewildered that she hasn’t been swooped up by another already.
10. Lauren gets the date card, and then they stumble upon an impromptu, totally unexpected live concert!
“All I can think right now is, this girl is changing me,” Ben tells the camera.
Is it too early to call it? Lauren B. FTW.
- The girls meet up with Ben at a soccer stadium and do soccer drills with professional soccer players. zzzzzzzz.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion….
Jubilee is really falling for Ben and it’s freaking her out because she’s positive she isn’t his type. And that’s not just because she’s the only black girl here, (do we count Amber or nah?) it’s because she’s noticed that he’s really into nice, goody-two-shoes-type girls. And she’s a bada** solider, okay. So this is quite an issue.
Back at the date…
2. The girls are going to compete in a soccer game. Winners go to the after party with Ben, losers go back to the mansion in the rejection limo.
3. Ben squeals in delight all throughout the game because one of the twins is an above-average goalie.
4. I don’t notice which team wins because I don’t care.
5. At the after party, Olivia (baby dino mouth) pulls Ben away first, which really riles everybody up. They immediately start talking about her bad breath and chubby toes.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
Much to Jubliee’s surprise and delight, she is awarded the next date card: “Love is in the air.”
Back at the date…
6. Amber makes out with Ben to get noticed. “If it takes me two times on the Bachelor to find someone who loves me, then fine,” she tells the camera.
Wow…that actually made me feel sad.
7. Ben gives Amber the date rose.
Ben & Jubilee’s Date
- When Ben shows up to the mansion to pick Jubilee up, she gives him major side-eye. “You’re 20 minutes late,” she sasses.
- All of the sister wives are totes offended that she would tease their precious Higgy like that.
- Everybody is being a mean girl in this episode, so it surprises me that nobody has anything to say about Jubilee’s outfit. Like, she would totally fit in with the Backstreet Boys circa 1999 right now.
- Ben leads Jubz outside to an awaiting helicopter. Uh oh. Jubz is afraid of heights. “Does anyone else want to go on my date?” she yells nervously.
The sister wives are offended again.
- The helicopter transports the couple to a spa, where there is a buffet of fancy foods waiting, which seems ideal. So far, this is the best date I’ve seen. Fancy foods > anything else the interns have brainstormed.
- Ben offers to feed Jubilee some caviar. She timidly accepts, starts to choke, and then spits it out into a napkin. Not very classy, Jubz.
- Jubilee admits that her favorite food is hot dogs.My reaction: “………..”
- Next, they get into a hot tub. Jubilee is tiny, which, good for her, but….let’s talk about her tattoos. I don’t like them. The stars on her shoulder? No. The words on her chest? Idk what they say, but, no.
- Jubilee made a “white boy” comment to Ben earlier, so she brings it up in the hot tub. “I think it’s awesome that you laughed at that,” she says.I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. Jubz, is it necessary to make a “white boy” comment? I’m married to a white man and it has never occurred to me to call him “white boy.” Like…he already knows he’s white. And we get it. Ben’s white. You’re black. It’s okay, I promise. Don’t make it weird.
- “You fake laugh all the time. And you stress out too much,” Jubilee continues. Ben seems unfazed by her critique. They snuggle in the hot tub despite her put-downs.
- Later, at dinner, Ben is feeling refreshed by Jubilee’s strange personality. “You’ve been more yourself around me than anyone else here,” he admits.”I’m like Shrek, I have a lot of layers,” Jubilee explains. “I have a hard time making friends because people are afraid of what they don’t understand.””Yeah…” Ben trails off. “So, about Haiti. Why are you scared to go back and visit?”
“I can’t go back by myself,” Jubilee replies. “I have to go with someone special. My fear of rejection and not being lovable comes from my past. My whole family died except for me. I’m the only surviving person in my bloodline.”
Ben is truly touched by Jubilee’s story and the fact that she was willing to share it.
“Do you understand that you are an amazing, strong woman? And I want to get to know all of those layers.” He says.
….Why is my heart beating fast like he’s talking to me right now?! Higz…marry me.
- Ben gives Jubilee the date rose with a tender kiss on the cheek.
- Jubilee heads back to her mansion of haters who are very disappointed that she wasn’t sent home, naturally, because they are the hatiest of haters.
Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony
- Ben opens up the cocktail party by announcing that his close family friends died in a plane crash last night.
- Olivia grabs him right away and whisks him outside. Surely, she’s going to say a few encouraging words and try to comfort him, right?!”I have this thing about me that I totally hate,” she starts. “It’s (gets choked up) ….m–my legs. I have cankles, okay?! And people have written blogs about them and like, I try to be strong all the time, but, it’s just really the scariest thing ever to deal with.”Mine and Ben’s reactions: “……………..”
- Meanwhile, Jubilee is being super emo and sitting in a corner clutching her rose because all of the mean girls are icing her out. She decides to go find Ben because she has an idea about how to make him feel better.Jubz commanded the intern to set up a massage table for her, and she surprises Ben with a quick massage to take his mind off things.The other women see the massage action and feel their souls slightly wither and blacken. HOW DARE SHE.
- The women conspire to jump Jubilee. They send Amber to summon her into their clutches. Jubliee refuses to be jumped, and runs upstairs to hide in the bathroom from the wicked sister wives.
- Ben catches wind of the situation and goes up to the bathroom to console Jubilee. He feels responsible for the wicked sister wives’ actions, because he is the one who has made them insane.
- Right before rose ceremony time, Lace Face pulls Ben outside. Ohhhh boy. Is he in trouble for having shifty eyes again?!?”I need to work on myself!” Lace blurts. “I’m embarrassed of how I’ve acted. and I need to stop drinking so much. And I need to love myself because, srsly, I hate myself. I’m gonna go home now.”We weren’t expecting that, but we applaud you, Lace Face. Fix yoself, gurl.
- Olivia barely squeaks by with the final rose of the night, but is convinced that Ben gave her waist an extra squeeze, meaning he’s totes into her and is asking her to be patient with him.In conclusion: Proud of Lace, Olivia scares me, the jury is out on Jubliee but I kind of like her, and Lauren B. is cute I guess.I won’t be able to blog or broadcast next week, but I’ll be watching! Cheers to the drama, friends.