Haters Gonna Hate

This week’s episode was so full of hate. Everybody was being a mean girl. And, surprisingly, their target wasn’t Lace-Face. It all began with an early morning gossip sesh at the Bachelor mansion….

Girl 1: “Ugh, Olivia is so hideous. Like, honestly, her mouth looks like a baby bird waiting to be fed. Or like, a baby dinosaur rawr-ing. So gross.”

olivia
….me scared.

Girl 2: “Yah. And her breath TOTES stinks, idk how Ben kisses her.”

Girl 3: “UGH NAST.”

Girl 1: “And byyyy the way, she spends like, $40k on her clothing annually. Like, who does that?!?”

Girls 2 & 3: “!!!!!!!!!!”

Enter Harrison.

“Good morning, ladies. Whoa. The tension in this mansion is super heavy right now. (shivers). Anyway, here’s the date card.”

The date card is for one of the Lauren’s: “The sky’s the limit.”

 

Ben & Lauren B.’s Date: 

  1. Because Lauren is a flight attendant, the producers thought it would be appropriate to plan and aerial-themed date for her. Ben loads her up in a stunt plane.
  2. Lauren is totes scared of the stunt plane ride, but Higgy’s hand on her thigh makes it all better.
  3. The plane is so tiny and their heads are just sticking out of the top of it….and I just wonder, like…what if a bird flies into their noggins?
  4. Higz and Lauren aren’t worried about possible incoming birds. They are busy making out.

    lauren b
    Don’t get yo heads attacked, y’all.
  5. The plane lands in the middle of a field and Ben offers Lauren a piggy back ride, because they’re gonna hike a little. She accepts.
  6. Ben brings Lauren to a hot tub, sitting alone in a field. In fact, it’s the same hot tub that he snuggled with Caila and Kevin Hart in last week. Just, now in a field.
  7. Lauren goes behind a tree and shimmies into the swim suit the Bachelor intern throws at her.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion….

Caila is having a total break down. And it’s not because her name is spelled like that. It’s because she just realized she’s on a dating show (insert eye roll emoji here).

The group date card arrives: “Love is the goal” 

Back at the date…

9. Ben and Lauren are having dinner, and it’s obvi that she is his fave. He is bewildered that she hasn’t been swooped up by another already.

10. Lauren gets the date card, and then they stumble upon an impromptu, totally unexpected live concert!

“All I can think right now is, this girl is changing me,” Ben tells the camera.

Is it too early to call it? Lauren B. FTW.

 

Group Date

  1. The girls meet up with Ben at a soccer stadium and do soccer drills with professional soccer players. zzzzzzzz.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion….

Jubilee is really falling for Ben and it’s freaking her out because she’s positive she isn’t his type. And that’s not just because she’s the only black girl here, (do we count Amber or nah?) it’s because she’s noticed that he’s really into nice, goody-two-shoes-type girls. And she’s a bada** solider, okay. So this is quite an issue.

Back at the date…

2. The girls are going to compete in a soccer game. Winners go to the after party with Ben, losers go back to the mansion in the rejection limo.

3. Ben squeals in delight all throughout the game because one of the twins is an above-average goalie.

4. I don’t notice which team wins because I don’t care.

5. At the after party, Olivia (baby dino mouth) pulls Ben away first, which really riles everybody up. They immediately start talking about her bad breath and chubby toes.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…

Much to Jubliee’s surprise and delight, she is awarded the next date card: “Love is in the air.”

Back at the date…

6. Amber makes out with Ben to get noticed. “If it takes me two times on the Bachelor to find someone who loves me, then fine,” she tells the camera.

Wow…that actually made me feel sad.

7. Ben gives Amber the date rose.

 

Ben & Jubilee’s Date 

  1. When Ben shows up to the mansion to pick Jubilee up, she gives him major side-eye. “You’re 20 minutes late,” she sasses.
  2. All of the sister wives are totes offended that she would tease their precious Higgy like that.
  3. Everybody is being a mean girl in this episode, so it surprises me that nobody has anything to say about Jubilee’s outfit. Like, she would totally fit in with the Backstreet Boys circa 1999 right now.
    backstreet boys
  4. Ben leads Jubz outside to an awaiting helicopter. Uh oh. Jubz is afraid of heights. “Does anyone else want  to go on my date?” she yells nervously.
    The sister wives are offended again.
  5. The helicopter transports the couple to a spa, where there is a buffet of fancy foods waiting, which seems ideal. So far, this is the best date I’ve seen. Fancy foods > anything else the interns have brainstormed.
  6.  Ben offers to feed Jubilee some caviar. She timidly accepts, starts to choke, and then spits it out into a napkin. Not very classy, Jubz.
  7. Jubilee admits that her favorite food is hot dogs.My reaction: “………..”

    jubilee.jpg
    Note Jubilee’s death grip on poor Higgy’s wrist.
  8. Next, they get into a hot tub. Jubilee is tiny, which, good for her, but….let’s talk about her tattoos. I don’t like them. The stars on her shoulder? No. The words on her chest? Idk what they say, but, no.
  9. Jubilee made a “white boy” comment to Ben earlier, so she brings it up in the hot tub. “I think it’s awesome that you laughed at that,” she says.I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. Jubz, is it necessary to make a “white boy” comment? I’m married to a white man and it has never occurred to me to call him “white boy.” Like…he already knows he’s white.  And we get it. Ben’s white. You’re black. It’s okay, I promise. Don’t make it weird.
  10. “You fake laugh all the time. And you stress out too much,” Jubilee continues. Ben seems unfazed by her critique. They snuggle in the hot tub despite her put-downs.
  11. Later, at dinner, Ben is feeling refreshed by Jubilee’s strange personality. “You’ve been more yourself around me than anyone else here,” he admits.”I’m like Shrek, I have a lot of layers,” Jubilee explains. “I have a hard time making friends because people are afraid of what they don’t understand.””Yeah…” Ben trails off. “So, about Haiti. Why are you scared to go back and visit?”

    “I can’t go back by myself,” Jubilee replies. “I have to go with someone special. My fear of rejection and not being lovable comes from my past. My whole family died except for me. I’m the only surviving person in my bloodline.”

    Ben is truly touched by Jubilee’s story and the fact that she was willing to share it.

    “Do you understand that you are an amazing, strong woman? And I want to get to know all of those layers.” He says.

    ….Why is my heart beating fast like he’s talking to me right now?! Higz…marry me.

  12. Ben gives Jubilee the date rose with a tender kiss on the cheek.
  13. Jubilee heads back to her mansion of haters who are very disappointed that she wasn’t sent home, naturally, because they are the hatiest of haters.

 

Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony

  1. Ben opens up the cocktail party by announcing that his close family friends died in a plane crash last night.
  2. Olivia grabs him right away and whisks him outside. Surely, she’s going to say a few encouraging words and try to comfort him, right?!”I have this thing about me that I totally hate,” she starts. “It’s (gets choked up) ….m–my legs. I have cankles, okay?! And people have written blogs about them and like, I try to be strong all the time, but, it’s just really the scariest thing ever to deal with.”Mine and Ben’s reactions: “……………..”
  3.  Meanwhile, Jubilee is being super emo and sitting in a corner clutching her rose because all of the mean girls are icing her out. She decides to go find Ben because she has an idea about how to make him feel better.Jubz commanded the intern to set up a massage table for her, and she surprises Ben with a quick massage to take his mind off things.The other women see the massage action and feel their souls slightly wither and blacken. HOW DARE SHE.
  4. The women conspire to jump Jubilee. They send Amber to summon her into their clutches. Jubliee refuses to be jumped, and runs upstairs to hide in the bathroom from the wicked sister wives.

    amber and jubilee
    Here is an image of Amber being fake and pretending to care about Jubilee.
  5. Ben catches wind of the situation and goes up to the bathroom to console Jubilee. He feels responsible for the wicked sister wives’ actions, because he is the one who has made them insane.
  6. Right before rose ceremony time, Lace Face pulls Ben outside. Ohhhh boy. Is he in trouble for having shifty eyes again?!?”I need to work on myself!” Lace blurts. “I’m embarrassed of how I’ve acted. and I need to stop drinking so much. And I need to love myself because, srsly, I hate myself. I’m gonna go home now.”We weren’t expecting that, but we applaud you, Lace Face. Fix yoself, gurl.
  7. Olivia barely squeaks by with the final rose of the night, but is convinced that Ben gave her waist an extra squeeze, meaning he’s totes into her and is asking her to be patient with him.In conclusion: Proud of Lace, Olivia scares me, the jury is out on Jubliee but I kind of like her, and Lauren B. is cute I guess.I won’t be able to blog or broadcast next week, but I’ll be watching! Cheers to the drama, friends.

New rule: Only Crazy People Allowed to Apply for Bachelor Contestant

Listen, people think that Higgy is boring. And those people just need to stop it. Right now. Just because he isn’t groping upper thighs and shoving his tongue down the nearest throat on night # 1 doesn’t mean he’s boring, okay? It means he’s a nice guy. And maybe nice is boring, but still. Stop it.

There’s just something about a Midwestern guy  in a flannel shirt, amiright? It’s just working for me. He’s from a sweet little town full of sweet little people, and they have parades for every occasion in life, including their Higgy becoming The Bachelor. That little town probably shuts down on Monday nights so everybody can go home and watch their Higgy on TV. It’s just presh.

And, of course, Higgy has perfect parents. Like, just adorable people who leisurely sit by a lake and sip coffee and titter about how their son has become quite an impressive young man. And shed genuine tears and feel their hearts slightly break a little more every time they think about how Ben thinks he’s unlovable.

Bless his heart, Ben is the worried-est Bachelor there ever was. Despite constant reinforcement from his parents and Harrison, he’s afraid the women won’t like him, which is obviously silly, because:

ben
Simmer down, Ben, and just accept that you’re a hottie.

Ben isn’t prepared to go into this season without some proper advice from former, successful bachelor heroes. So, he meets up with Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, and Farmer Chris at the Bach mansion.  Only 2/3 of these men are actually successful heroes. I am not sure why Farmer Chris is in attendance at this council. His relationship crashed and burned in mere weeks, if memory serves.

Higgy looks like the first day of school because he’s super nervous and has a fresh haircut. “Idk if I can handle the pressure of being the bach,” he tells he men. “There are so many women — what should I do??”

ben gets advice.png

“Whatever you do — don’t kiss a girl in front of the other girls! They turn into crazed harpies when that happens.” – Sean Lowe

“Kiss them all,” – Farmer Chris

“Just be cool, man. Make them all feel comfortable so they will show you their true selves.” – Jason Mesnick

See what I mean? Why is Farmer Chris in this council.

Now that Higz has a little advice in his system, it’s time to get this party started. Ahem, Harrison? Lead us through meeting some of Ben’s sister-wives, please.

Sister-Wife Intros
** I am pleased to announce that more than one minority group is represented among the women this season. Redhead was included in the count.

  1. One of the minorities is quite beautiful, but is clearly touched in the head. She dumped her boyfriend and obvious soulmate (because they met on a plane and then met again by chance two weeks later in a city –UMMM!! That is clearly meant to be) when she saw Ben on The Bachelorette. WHO DOES THAT. I hate her.
  2. There is a dentist who wears costumes and looks like an Adam’s Family cast member.
  3. Emily and Haley are twins, but it isn’t cute. They might actually be 12. Because they wear matching outfits and hold hands while they roller blade. And they speak in unison, which scares me.
  4. One of the women is a “chicken enthusiast,” which basically means she brushes her teeth and does most other activities with a chicken perched upon her shoulder. A real, live, nasty chicken. And she even sleeps with it and has framed pictures of chickens scattered throughout her home.
    side eye chloe

Higgy meets the Sister-Wives

bachelor women
So much happening.
  1. “It’s hard to imagine, but in a few moments a limo will pull up full of girls,” Harrison tells us……No. Actually. It’s not hard to imagine. That’s usually how it happens.
  2. Higgy asks Hare for a hug before the first limo pulls up — WHY IS HE SO CUTE.
  3. A woman who looks like a poor man’s Sarah Silverman tells Ben to close his eyes and then STEALS A KISS. NOT OKAY. YOU COULD HAVE A COLD SORE, MISS. WE DON’T KNOW! PLEASE DO NOT BE SO RECKLESS WITH OUR SWEET BOY.

    LACE, BEN HIGGINS
    You are gross, woman.
  4. A Russian woman introduces herself in Russian and has a three-minute-long, one-sided conversation with Ben.
  5. An avid sports fan hikes up her ball gown, turns around, bends over, and throws a football at Higz between her legs.
  6. Adam’s Family shows up wearing a massive rose on her head.
  7. Someone else brings a mini horse named Huey, which is actually a genius idea, because he sabotages the other women by stepping on their ball gowns and ripping them. But nobody can even get mad because he’s a MINI HORSE.LAUREN BARR, LAUREN H., SAMANTHA, RACHEL, LAURA
  8. Someone else is gluten free and needs to shut up. But she doesn’t do that, oh nooooo. She makes Ben break a basket full of baguettes with her against the side of the Bachelor mansion fountain.
  9. Whew, Higgy is exhausted already from meeting so many weird people, but is invigorated also. Time to head inside and mingle — but oh, wait! Gotta call mom and dad first and tell them that everything’s goin great!
    my message to ben
    This is my message to you, Ben.

     

Cocktail Party / Women Get Weird  

  1. Ben attempts an opening speech to his sister-wives, but Adam’s Family with the flower on her head shimmies in and pulls him away from the other girls before he can finish. So it begins.
  2. While Ben tries to juggle all the crazy that’s being thrown at him Becca and Amber from Farmer Chris’ season show up in a limo.Let’s collectively roll our eyes. Ready, go.

    I mean….honestly. Amber. Haven’t you had enough already? Get your life started, sister. Go get a job and start working toward some goals, stat.

    Becca, see you on the next Bachelor in Paradise.

  3. Poor man’s Sarah Silverman aka Lace (? why.) has gotten progressively drunker and is now searching for Higz so she can steal another kiss.Ben politely tells her no thank you. He’d like to not get sucked up in the physical stuff so early on. He’d also like to not get sucked into that scary grill of aggressive teeth she has.
  4. Before Ben is able to complete his thought with Lace, he is stolen away by Adam’s Family. So, later, he goes back and finds Lace just to make sure she understands that he wasn’t rejecting her, he’s just trying to be smart about this whole process.To any reasonable human, this would be recognized as a sweet gesture and nothing more. Lace has decided he’s in love with her now.
  5. Ben gives the first impression rose to… not Lace.
  6. During the rose ceremony, Lace’s crazy level gets dangerously near to off-the-charts because Ben isn’t making eye contact with her. She pulls him aside after the ceremony to tell him that she’s super peeved. He looks scared/confused/like he wants to call his mom again.
  7. Someone named Red Velvet is sent home and blames it on the fact that Ben is racist against redheads. One minority down.

In conclusion: Ben’s cute, Lace is crazy, and Huey…well. He should be the next Bach.

See you next week!

 

Higgy is the Bachelor

Hiiiiii, do you remember me? I’ve come out of hibernation, yawned, stretched, sniffed the air, and detected a hint of drama seasoned with crazy biotches. This aroma lead me, mouth watering, to my neglected computer keys, so here I am, gearing up for the next tantalizing season of ZEE BACHELOR.

ben-higgins-photo

I must be honest, I’ve barely thought of The Bachelor or Higgy since last season. I have a life, you know? But no matter how busy this life of mine gets, I cannot forget my commitment to this show and, most importantly, Chris Harrison. Ugh, he’s the best.

I’ll be broadcasting the episode here.

So join me and interact with me, plz.

xoxoxo

V

The End of Paradise – Part 2 of the BIP Season Finale

Wow. That breakup between Ginger and Eyebrows was hard to watch. Like, seriously cringe-worthy. We’ve learned from this season that Paradise can be tricky and cruel, but maybe the remaining couples will all get married and have relationships that last a lifetime? Lolz.

Grab some snacks, snuggle in, and join me for the finale tonight!

Sadz.
WHY, GINGER?!? WHY.

Virgin No More? – Part 1 of the BIP Season Finale

I know you’re busy grilling/laughing/having fun with friends this holiday weekend, but….don’t you want to see if Ashley I. gives up her virginity to patchy-face?? It’s obviously very important. Also — does Tanner break Jade’s heart? Watch the show with me tonight.

Click this link, and don’t leave me lonely.

ashley i
Suh cute.

Bachelor In Paradise: The Virginity Monologues

Soooo…errebody knows Samantha be lyin’. But she sends Joe home in a desperate attempt to save face and ends up getting Dan-Man for a body guard. I’m sure she’ll dispose of him shortly after she wins his rose next week…aaaannnddd I don’t care. These people are all so LAME, I mean, honestly, where’s the juicy drama? The whole Sam/Joe thing is getting tired, amiright?

In other news, Ashley I. has put Jared on a ridiculously high, pie in the sky, pedestal and is willing to give up her virginity to woo him. This should be good.

Tune in to my broadcast tomorrow night at 8 and watch the mating rituals with me, yes? plz & thx.

Prettyyyyy
Prettyyyyy

Bachelor In Paradise: Web of Lies

Last week I missed my Rabble.TV broadcast due to technical difficulties, and it was tragic. But I’ll be back tonight to commentate the dramz that will surely go down between Samantha and the triad of men who are trapped in her wicked web. Please join me in the viewing of said dramz.

Click here to find my broadcast.

Eeeeeevilllll
Eeeeeevilllll