Listen, people think that Higgy is boring. And those people just need to stop it. Right now. Just because he isn’t groping upper thighs and shoving his tongue down the nearest throat on night # 1 doesn’t mean he’s boring, okay? It means he’s a nice guy. And maybe nice is boring, but still. Stop it.
There’s just something about a Midwestern guy in a flannel shirt, amiright? It’s just working for me. He’s from a sweet little town full of sweet little people, and they have parades for every occasion in life, including their Higgy becoming The Bachelor. That little town probably shuts down on Monday nights so everybody can go home and watch their Higgy on TV. It’s just presh.
And, of course, Higgy has perfect parents. Like, just adorable people who leisurely sit by a lake and sip coffee and titter about how their son has become quite an impressive young man. And shed genuine tears and feel their hearts slightly break a little more every time they think about how Ben thinks he’s unlovable.
Bless his heart, Ben is the worried-est Bachelor there ever was. Despite constant reinforcement from his parents and Harrison, he’s afraid the women won’t like him, which is obviously silly, because:
Simmer down, Ben, and just accept that you’re a hottie.
Ben isn’t prepared to go into this season without some proper advice from former, successful bachelor heroes. So, he meets up with Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, and Farmer Chris at the Bach mansion. Only 2/3 of these men are actually successful heroes. I am not sure why Farmer Chris is in attendance at this council. His relationship crashed and burned in mere weeks, if memory serves.
Higgy looks like the first day of school because he’s super nervous and has a fresh haircut. “Idk if I can handle the pressure of being the bach,” he tells he men. “There are so many women — what should I do??”
“Whatever you do — don’t kiss a girl in front of the other girls! They turn into crazed harpies when that happens.” – Sean Lowe
“Kiss them all,” – Farmer Chris
“Just be cool, man. Make them all feel comfortable so they will show you their true selves.” – Jason Mesnick
See what I mean? Why is Farmer Chris in this council.
Now that Higz has a little advice in his system, it’s time to get this party started. Ahem, Harrison? Lead us through meeting some of Ben’s sister-wives, please.
Sister-Wife Intros ** I am pleased to announce that more than one minority group is represented among the women this season. Redhead was included in the count.
One of the minorities is quite beautiful, but is clearly touched in the head. She dumped her boyfriend and obvious soulmate (because they met on a plane and then met again by chance two weeks later in a city –UMMM!! That is clearly meant to be) when she saw Ben on The Bachelorette. WHO DOES THAT. I hate her.
There is a dentist who wears costumes and looks like an Adam’s Family cast member.
Emily and Haley are twins, but it isn’t cute. They might actually be 12. Because they wear matching outfits and hold hands while they roller blade. And they speak in unison, which scares me.
One of the women is a “chicken enthusiast,” which basically means she brushes her teeth and does most other activities with a chicken perched upon her shoulder. A real, live, nasty chicken. And she even sleeps with it and has framed pictures of chickens scattered throughout her home.
Higgy meets the Sister-Wives
So much happening.
“It’s hard to imagine, but in a few moments a limo will pull up full of girls,” Harrison tells us……No. Actually. It’s not hard to imagine. That’s usually how it happens.
Higgy asks Hare for a hug before the first limo pulls up — WHY IS HE SO CUTE.
A woman who looks like a poor man’s Sarah Silverman tells Ben to close his eyes and then STEALS A KISS. NOT OKAY. YOU COULD HAVE A COLD SORE, MISS. WE DON’T KNOW! PLEASE DO NOT BE SO RECKLESS WITH OUR SWEET BOY.
You are gross, woman.
A Russian woman introduces herself in Russian and has a three-minute-long, one-sided conversation with Ben.
An avid sports fan hikes up her ball gown, turns around, bends over, and throws a football at Higz between her legs.
Adam’s Family shows up wearing a massive rose on her head.
Someone else brings a mini horse named Huey, which is actually a genius idea, because he sabotages the other women by stepping on their ball gowns and ripping them. But nobody can even get mad because he’s a MINI HORSE.
Someone else is gluten free and needs to shut up. But she doesn’t do that, oh nooooo. She makes Ben break a basket full of baguettes with her against the side of the Bachelor mansion fountain.
Whew, Higgy is exhausted already from meeting so many weird people, but is invigorated also. Time to head inside and mingle — but oh, wait! Gotta call mom and dad first and tell them that everything’s goin great!
This is my message to you, Ben.
Cocktail Party / Women Get Weird
Ben attempts an opening speech to his sister-wives, but Adam’s Family with the flower on her head shimmies in and pulls him away from the other girls before he can finish. So it begins.
While Ben tries to juggle all the crazy that’s being thrown at him Becca and Amber from Farmer Chris’ season show up in a limo.Let’s collectively roll our eyes. Ready, go.
I mean….honestly. Amber. Haven’t you had enough already? Get your life started, sister. Go get a job and start working toward some goals, stat.
Becca, see you on the next Bachelor in Paradise.
Poor man’s Sarah Silverman aka Lace (? why.) has gotten progressively drunker and is now searching for Higz so she can steal another kiss.Ben politely tells her no thank you. He’d like to not get sucked up in the physical stuff so early on. He’d also like to not get sucked into that scary grill of aggressive teeth she has.
Before Ben is able to complete his thought with Lace, he is stolen away by Adam’s Family. So, later, he goes back and finds Lace just to make sure she understands that he wasn’t rejecting her, he’s just trying to be smart about this whole process.To any reasonable human, this would be recognized as a sweet gesture and nothing more. Lace has decided he’s in love with her now.
Ben gives the first impression rose to… not Lace.
During the rose ceremony, Lace’s crazy level gets dangerously near to off-the-charts because Ben isn’t making eye contact with her. She pulls him aside after the ceremony to tell him that she’s super peeved. He looks scared/confused/like he wants to call his mom again.
Someone named Red Velvet is sent home and blames it on the fact that Ben is racist against redheads. One minority down.
In conclusion: Ben’s cute, Lace is crazy, and Huey…well. He should be the next Bach.
The grody-ness of all things Juan Pablo makes it nearly impossible for me to imagine how we ever liked him. Sure, he had the accent, the cute kid, and the hot bod, but was it really that hot? Was Camila really that cute?? I mean…we’ve definitely seen cuter. I would say the average kid is cuter, you know? I’m just so disappointed in us for those early days of swooning over him. How did we allow ourselves to become so enchanted by his tricky ways? Now, we just feel so….dirty.
If this is how we’re feeling, I can only imagine the number of full-body chemical peels Clare has undergone. She was fully immersed in him, in more ways than one (yikes). And as for Nikki…she needs the healing power of prayer, friends. Only God and our prayers can save her now.
Let’s recap:
We’re live in the studio with our beloved host, Chris Harrison, and a crowd of tittering housewives/a few men who wear their Bachelor fandom proudly. Harrison reads from the prompt that we are about to witness the most dramatic finale in the history of the show whilst resisting the urge to roll his eyes.
JPab, in a Clare and Nikki sandwich.
“Will he propose?” Hare asks. “If he does, will she say yes?” (tight shot of a few grim faces in the audience) “Was Juan Pablo actually here to find love in the first place? We’re going to find out tonight.”
Harrison gestures to the mounted TV screen and settles into his stage chair.
Clare Meets JP’s Familia
1. “Ay ay ay, Saint Lucia,” sighs JP. “So pretty. So amazing. The ocean is so blue.”
Travel guidance, brought to you by Juan Pablo Galavis.
2. After frolicking with Camila and some random other little girl (who is cuter than Camila) for a while, JP heads outside to collect Clare. They exchange a few sexually charged smooches, then he leads her inside to meet the fam.
3. Upon meeting Camila, Clare timidly asks for a handshake, and Camila is all like no thanks, I’d rather just smack you. But Clare mistakes this for a patty-cake game, so Camila rolls with it.
4. “How adorable is Juan Pablo’s daughter?!” Clare gushes to the camera. “Mmmm, that little girl makes him so sexy.” ….What? Wait. No.
5. Clare sits down with Mom. “Ask me whatever you want to know,” Mom says. Clare asks if there is anything personality-wise that she should know that JP would never admit to.
“He’s super hyperactive,” Mom says. “And he’s very rude. He makes me cry all the time.”
Clare grins and nods. “Yep, I’ve noticed that. Isn’t it just so adorable?!”
6. Adult Braces Cousin takes Clare aside and asks her if she’s in love. After she quickly replies with “yes”, he starts to look worried. He leans in close and asks, “Are you willing to hold onto this relationship when it gets rough? Because it will. Like, immediately. Because he’s the worst. But the key is, you gotta just fight to stay with him, you know?”
Clare nods eagerly. Apparently, nothing could sound more blissful.
7. Adult Braces Cousin reports back to JP that Clare seems exactly like the type of push-over he needs. “She’s practically begging for you to impregnate her,” he explains. “She’ll put up with anything to start a family, which is ideal, since you need someone who is willing to stay despite your personality.”
Clare laughs with her future in-laws.
8. Meanwhile, JP’s dad is telling Clare that he loves her in Spanish.
Nikki Meets JP’s Familia
1. Nikki talks with Dad, and he explains that JP and his daughter “aren’t easy.” He says that Camila is a nightmare, and JP is extremely selfish and vocal about what he, and he alone, wants.
It’s highly possible that JP’s parents hate him and regret the day he was born.
2. Dad does not tell Nikki that he loves her in Spanish.
3. Nikki tells Mom that she envisions spending weekends with JP and Camila going on fun outings, playing games, and exploring. Mom dashes these dreams quickly by explaining that all JP wants to do on the weekends is eat breakfast and watch soccer on TV.
“Are you sure you love him and want him?” Mom asks. “Juan Pablo is not easy, but you seem strong.”
Nikki smiles and nods.
4. Adult Braces Cousin pulls Nikki aside and asks, “How much fighting can you take? Because fighting will happen a lot in a relationship with Juan Pablo. I mean, he’s a nice guy, but he’s rough.”
“I think we would fight well! I’m excited for our fights,” Nikki replies with a smile.
“….So….you’re not scared?” Adult Braces Cousin asks. Nikki shows no sign of fear.
5. Much like Clare, Nikki completely ignores/is oblivious to the warnings JP’s family have given to save herself and get out while she still can.
Clare’s Final Date
1. Harrison warns us that this date will be unlike anything we’ve ever seen on this show.
2. Clare and JP begin their date with a helicopter ride. So far, this is definitely unlike anything we’ve ever seen on this show.
3. JP expresses his thoughts on Clare to the camera: “Clare’s hot. She’s sexy. She kisses. Ay ay ay.”
4. We watch the helicopter land, and Clare’s voice over begins. She explains that there were no cameras in the helicopter during the land, so she and JP were completely alone. She tells us that in this rare moment, JP leaned over and whispered something in her ear that is too vulgar to repeat, aka a memory of their time togeths in the Fantasy Suite.
“He told me something that no woman wants to hear,” Clare says. “That he really doesn’t know me, but he likes…certain things…we do together.”
Whatever could she be talking about?? Do they like to bake together? Perhaps they enjoy swapping stories about their childhoods? Or maybe exchanging hand-written love letters?
Clare feels confused and cheap. She plans to confront JP about this later to make sure their relationship is more than just a physical connection. Spoiler alert: It’s not.
5. Later that evening, we are rooting for Clare as she ushers JP into her suite without a “besito.” Maybe she’s not as ditsy as we thought. Maybe she really does have self-respect and decency.
JP: “…I can’t get a besito??”
Clare: “Just come on in, have a seat. Let’s talk. Remember in the helicopter when we were alone? You could have said anything in the world, but what did you tell me?”
JP: “I don’t know. Remind me?”
Clare: “You said you don’t really know me, but you liked…things we’ve done.”
JP: Frowns. “What happens in private stays in private.”
Clare: “Yeah…so what did you mean about not knowing me enough?”
JP: “You got me all wrong. I don’t know anybody enough. So this is why you didn’t give me a besito?!?!”
JPab touches Clare’s lips, expressing his remorse at the withheld besito.
Clare: “I just wanted to be able to talk. I mean, it’s great if the physical connection is there, but –”
JP: “– I don’t need it! I don’t need the physical.”
Clare: “But it’s important for there to be more to us than just physical stuff.”
JP: “Maybe. The parts I know about Clare I like. But maybe there is a bunch that I don’t like…”
Clare: “Wait. There are things about me you don’t like??”
JP: “Maybe. Do you want me to lie to you? I could lie, but no, I’m being honest. By the way, you made the no kissing rule and then you didn’t go with your word, so don’t blame it on me.”
Clare: “Wait, what? I’m not blaming you for anything…?”
JP: “LOL. JK.”
Clare: “Do you know me well enough to make your final decision?”
JP: “Good question. It’s hard because a proposal for me and my daughter is huge, and I’ve been thinking about it for a week already. Am I ready? Do I know the person and much as I would love to know somebody to propose? I have a daughter. I have to worry. It’s hard because I have to make a decision.”
Clare: (Seemingly not aware that he hasn’t answered her question at all and has instead asked a series of rhetorical questions and listed obvious facts that we were already aware of) “That’s the kinda stuff I want to hear. I don’t want to just hear that you like kissing me.”
JP strokes Clare’s leg and leans in close to continue working his tricky magic.
Clare: “I want to be with someone who knows they want to be with me.”
JP: “You met my family. I have you here because I want you. You are special to me. If we end up together we will move to Sacramento and have a baby in a year.”
At the mention of a baby, Clare gives in completely.
Clare: (with a twinkle in her eye) “Can we have twins??”
JP: “I feel great about you, honestly.”
JP pulls out his phone and plays the song from their first date in the winter wonderland. Clare cries, asks if they can play this song at their wedding, and makes out with him.
#smh
Nikki’s Final Date
1. “I know she’s in love with me,” JP tells the camera, “But I gotta figure out how I feel about her.”
2. Nikki and JP hop onto a boat. “I can’t relax until I’m confident about how Juan Pablo feels about me,” Nikki tells the camera. Hopefully, she’s not holding her breath.
3. “I feel like you might be guarded or scared to open up,” Nikki tells JP as they relax on the boat.
“Nope. I’m not guarded at all,” JP smugly replies. Nikki giggles and accepts this.
4. The boat takes the couple to a private island. While they’re lying on the beach, Nikki attempts more conversation.
“What are you going to do without a private island??” she asks.
“I will have a bed and a TV to watch soccer on. And I will probably be doing a lot of that by myself,” JP replies.
“Well…not all of it??” Nikki says, hopefully.
“Yeah. Probably all of it.” JP squints off into the distance.
5. Later, JP shows up to Nikki’s suite for their final alone time. “I can’t believe it’s finally the end,” Nikki sighs. “I’ve been waiting for so long and I’m kinda scared and…I just…I don’t know.”
“I don’t know either, but it is what it is,” JP replies. “It’s gonna be okay,” he whispers while petting her head.
6. Nikki presents JP with a framed photo of the two of them straddling horses and making out. Then she gives him a card in which she’s poured out her heart and soul in the form of written word. He offers no response to these gifts other than a quick kiss on the forehead. He peaces out. Nikki is left alone to cry.
Juan Pablo’s Decision
1. JP waits for the women in the middle of island jungle. Clare is the first to show up. He greets her with the standard, “How are ya?” She smiles with excitement and he tells her that she looks pretty. She gives him her love speech.
2. Now it’s JP’s turn. “I wish the earth sucked me today because this is the hardest decision ever. I appreciate you being here and trusting me all along. I especially appreciate your body and the things we did together in the Fantasy Suite. Those memories will stay with me for as long as I live. But, I’ve been honest that at some point, people will go home. I have to follow what I think is best for me …and I have to say goodbye to you.”
He leans in for a hug, and it’s all Clare can do to refrain from body checking him. Instead, she puts her hands up to stop him. She mad.
No besitos for you, Juan Pablo.
“You told me you could see yourself with me in Sacramento. You talked about us having a family. Then you dump me?!?! You are not the man I thought you were.”
“…Okay.” JP says.
Get him, Clare.
Clare begins to stomp off, then stops mid-stomp. She quickly turns and points a manicured nail at JP. “I’ve lost respect for you. Because what you made me go through…I would never want my children having a father like you.”
BOOM. Clare, out.
Clare runs into Harrison’s comforting arms and never looks back.
“Whooooo! I’m glad I didn’t pick her,” JPab sneers.
3. Nikki shows up next. She gives JP her love speech. He responds with a speech of his own:
“I love so many things about you and it’s the reason I wanted you to be here. I love how much you care about other people. I love your honesty, because it reminds me of me. You have the qualities to be a good step-mom for Camila. I have a ring here in my pocket…but I’m not gonna use it. Because I’m not 100% sure that I want to marry you. But I’m 100% sure that I don’t want to let you go. Because I like you. A lot. *winks* So, will you accept my final rose?
JPab convincing Nikki that he likes her. A lot.
Nikki swallows her initial disappointment and smiles. “Absolutely,” she replies. They make out and he whispers, “Don’t get cranky now.”
“….This is gross.”
And that, my friends, is the breathtakingly romantic conclusion of our journey with Juan Pablo the Bacheellorr.
After the Final Rose Show
I won’t recap this entire hour, but I will say a few things, mostly about how obsessed I am with Chris Harrison. Firstly, he looks great. Never better. Secondly, his tolerance for Juan Pablo is lower than I’ve seen with any of our former contestants, including Brad Womack. Witnessing Harrison’s snarky comments and obvious disdain for JP is truly delicious.
Harrison was shocked and appalled that JP has yet to tell Nikki that he loves her, despite her extremely open and public declaration of love for him. It is all Hare can do not to shake her into her senses, but being the classy gentleman that he is, he refrains. Instead, he mocks JP in front of the country, to our delight.
Nikki looks away submissively as Juan Pablo attempts to banter with Harrison.
After he’s done repeatedly punching JP in the face with well-timed humor and criticism, Harrison turns to the camera and says, “Let’s meet the next Bachelorette, because,….why not do this again?!” LOL.
“Another season of the Bachelor has come to an end,” Hare continues. “And, not gonna lie, I’m glad we’re moving on. We might have to shower that one off. Oh, and Andi is our next Bachelorette.”
The End. See you in May for more recaps!
P.S. JPab released this video on youtube yesterday, professing his apparent love for Nikki.
Normally I would make fun of the shirtless montage at the beginning of an episode. But Juan Pablo’s half-naked beach runs and family volleyball games are nothing to jest at. Nor are his habits of salsa dancing down sidewalks, petting friendly dogs that pad by, or fist bumping smiling strangers. It may sound like I’m describing a Michael Bublé music video, but this is Juan Pablo’s real life, and we’re lucky to be witnessing it.
JP refuses to be parted from his “forever valentine” Camila, so he has her flown to LA. It’s much easier to play in the sand, take turns doing cartwheels, and be adorable together when they are in the same state.
Before embarking on the journey ahead, which based on the promo footage promises scandal, tears, and heartbreak like never before, JP must get some advice from a trusted friend. Enter former bachelor Sean Lowe, known for his fantastic abs (and other body parts). Dare I say he pales in comparison to the current Bachelor? Yes. I dare say it.
Besties
The two of these men in one room is almost too much, and when they start to dance together, I have to restrain myself from hurling my body out of a nearby window/from a high roof. I die. After his meeting with Sexy Sean, JP hops into the shower because….duh. Obvi this should happen.
Just when I think JP couldn’t be any sexier, he puts on a suit.
Dead. (Oops, Hare is in there too. Just kidding, that was on purpose. I luhhh him.)
After Camila helps him with the final touches of his suit, he tucks her into bed and heads to the Bachelor mansion to meet his 27 sister wives. But first, we get a sneak peek at a few of them in their natural habitats. After getting a closer look at Amy, the massage therapist, I am baffled as to why she didn’t make it through the rose ceremony. She’s just so normal, you know? So non-scary and ideal.
Juan Pablo Meets the Women
1. After meeting the first limo of ladies, Juan Pablo is so overwhelmed by everyone’s beauty that he whispers to a producer, “No more limos!” So cute.
2. A girl wearing no shoes and flowers in her hair twirls out of a limo. Her name, age, and job title pop up onto the screen. Her job title? Free Spirit. #icant #stop #bye
3. Another lady struggles up the path on a creaky bike. Oh wait..that’s not a bike. That’s a piano bike.
Apparently piano bikes exist.
4. Someone else runs up to JP, thrusts a test tube and petri dish into his hands, and asks if he’s interested in doing a science experiment with her. Just kidding, there was no petri dish involved, I just like using the word “petri.” But the test tube part wasn’t a lie, this girl is actually that outrageous. After JP tries to act like everything is okay even though it’s not, the girl yells, “YOU KNOW WHAT?! INSTEAD OF DOING CHEMISTRY, LET’S JUST MAKE CHEMISTRY!!!” #icant #stop #bye
5. Another girl loudly grunts as she emerges from the limo and holds onto a pregnant belly. Clearly, we know of her lies and deceit, but it takes a while for JP to catch on. I don’t like this girl, because pretending to have a pregnant belly is the dumbest thing ever.
Why would you do this.
6. JP says a lot of cute stuff while the girls are emerging from the limo, despite the fact that roughly 98% of them are total disasters. I might have to insert full clips of him talking from now on just to do him justice.
Cocktail Party
1. To break the ice with all the women, JP turns on some music and starts a dance party, further solidifying the fact that he’s the best bachelor in the history of this show.
2. My fave girl Amy leads JP outside and lays him down on a massage table. He’s a really good sport about it, and doesn’t protest when she begins to rub essential oils into his jacket. He doesn’t even scream for Harrison when she begins to massage his butt cheeks and moan loudly with her eyes closed. Honestly, it seems like they have great chemistry, I can’t understand why he sends her home later. Amy for the next Bachelorette.
That’s hot.
3. Harrison brings out the first impression rose and the girls go ballistic. One in particular (Lauren?) completely loses her mind and starts to blubber to everyone about how she just got dumped by her fiance mere months ago. Girl, bye.
4. A girl named Sharleen gets the first impression rose because she’s a worldly opera singer. She completely doesn’t want it though, which I actually find refreshing. I mean, she accepts it and everything, but she’s the only girl in there who isn’t acting completely in love with JP upon first sight, which means she might be practical. Probs not for long, though. She hasn’t seen him shirtless and dancing yet.
…..sir?
Rose Ceremony
There’s really only one moment to highlight here: When JP calls Kat’s name, but Kylie comes running forward. And JP is all like, “Noooooo I said KAT! KAT! KAT! Dear God, I said KAAAAAAT!” Bye, Kylie. Sorry bout ya.
And so, the first tears have fallen and paved the way for the rivers of tears to come. I vow to recap every drop that descends down a bachelorette’s foolish, makeup-caked cheek. See you here next week.
Dez and the men are in Portugal this week. They stand at the nose of a boat as it forges through ocean waves, and Zak wonders to himself…Is this a dream? It is so breathtaking here. This is the hidden pearl of the Atlantic. It is truly built for love.
After Dez parts ways with the men, she meets up with three of her fellow contestants from Sean’s season: Jackie, Lesley, and ….CATHERINE. (OMG. I LOVE CATHERINE. I FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM.)
Dez sits down with the girls and gossips about her men over cocktails — But not before Dez asks Catherine about how she and Sean are doing with a tinge of envy in her eyes. Dez tells the girls that she’s falling in love with a couple of the guys. Then, they spy the men at a nearby pool in their swim trunks, so an abc intern scurries forth to give each of the women a pair of binoculars to stare at their naked torsos with. Dez smirks because she feelin’ like a pimp.
Catherine asks Dez which one of the men has the biggest ween, which is highly inappropriate but hilarious because it’s Catherine and I have a girl crush on her.
Brooks and Dez’s Date
1. Dez drives Brooks up into the mountains. Brooks is super nervie because he isn’t used to being alone with Dez, since he’s been on so many group dates. They drive so high up into the mountains that they are in/above the clouds, which is awesome.
2. Dez leads Brooksie to the edge of a cliff and they sit down to snuggle and tell each other how into the other they are.
Gorge.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The next date card arrives for Chris: “Let’s sea if we can find love here.”
Back at the date…
3. The cameraman does a tight shot of a cat as it lets out a strangled meow….? What is wrong with the people who edit this show.
This makes no sense.
4. Dez and Brooks sit down to din din and Dez makes a toast to one of the best days she’s ever had. Brooks explains that his family is really important to him/he’s obsessed with them, and we gather that he is feeling stressed about introducing her to them.
5. Brooks realizes that he’s not into Dez as much as she’s into him, because she says that she’s running toward being in love with him, while he’s more jogging/trotting toward love.
Dez and Chris’ Date
1. Dez takes Chris onto a yacht in the open water. They strip down to their swim suits and sensually rub sunscreen on each other.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The next date card arrives for Michael: “Let’s have fun.” This means that Zak and Drew will be going on the two-on-one date.
Back at the date…
2. Chris and Dez pull up to a deserted island. Chris requests that they write a poem together, put it in a bottle and toss it into the waves. They do. Chris tells the camera that he’s scheming to tell Dez that he loves her later at dinner.
3. At dinner, Chris asks Dez some serious questions.
C: How many kids do you want?
D: I don’t have a number in mind, but exactly 3 children.
C: My family is so important to me. And I know they would be obsessed with you.
D: I’m sure.
Chris starts to sweat bullets and accidentally knocks his wine glass over. He’s getting super nervous because he’s planning to profess his love at this point. Naturally, he whips out a sheet of paper and recites a poem to Dez. She’s totes into it, cries a little, and gives him lots of kisses.
4. Then, they go on a walk and make out a bunch more. Chris informs the camera that he’s found the one.
Michael and Dez’s Date
1. Dez is wearing a weird drug rug dress, but we’ll try to look past it and place our judgments solely on Michael.
2. As they stroll around town, Michael seamlessly falls into the role of sugar daddy and buys Dez some jewelry at a market.
3. Then, they go and watch some swans swim around in a pond. After that, they hop on some weird rolling bench and let two men in costumes push them down several city streets.
4. Later, at dinner, Michael talks about how his dad left him and didn’t help pay for his hospital bills when he got diabetes. Despite this, Michael doesn’t hate his father, but has learned that he doesn’t want to be like that when he fathers Dez’s children.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The two on one date card arrives for Drew and Zak: “I’m looking for a man that can make my heart race.”
Back at the date…
5. Michael tells Dez that his last girlfriend cheated on him, which destroyed his heart. But, now he is happily falling in love with her and experiencing emotions he thought he would never feel again. Yayz.
Two On One Date
1. Dez invites Zak and Drew to a race car track, where they promptly hop into a few go-carts. After driving around the track as a threesome, Dez asks Zak and Drew to race each other. The winner will get a special prize. Zak wins.
2. They head over to a blanket and eat chocolate covered strawberries together for a few minutes. Dez tells Zak that the special prize is getting alone time with her first, which is kinda lame, but Zak is still happy about it.
3. Zak brings a big sketch pad with him for his alone time with Dez. He tells her that he’s been drawing pics of everything they’ve done together thus far. His first picture is a sketch of his killer abs.
Gracias, pero no.
Omg, stop it.
4. Drew gets his alone time next. Drew may or may not actually like women, but I will reserve judgments for Dez and/or Chris Harrison who has the power to expose him when/if the time is right. During their alone time, Drew and Dez giggle together like a couple of girly girls and then he tells her that his fam is totes excited to meet her.
“I’ve never had this feeling with anyone. It feels like you’ve known me my entire life,” he gushes. “I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Dez is overjoyed and she awards him the date rose. Zak is devastated because he thought the sketch of his abs had won him the date rose, for sure. Sorry bout ya.
Rose Ceremony
1. Dez’s dress is hot.
Hot.
2. During her therapy session with Harrison, Dez tells him that she’s completely in love with Brooks. It makes her cry a little just to think about her love for him. Harrison reminds her that Brooks hasn’t told her that he loves her yet, and she admits that yes, she is worried about this. But she’s not afraid of getting hurt, so bring it on, Brooks.
Let’s hope Brooks starts to love her next week, I guess.
3. Next, Dez reveals to Hare that she’s also falling in love with Chris, but mostly because he’s her safety net. She knows he’s totes obsessed with her and would never leave her…so if she has to, she’ll resort to him. Good plan.
4. Dez rejects Michael, who looks like he might vom on the spot upon hearing the news. He tells Dez that his heart is broken but he still thinks the world of her. ( He’s probs just being so nice because he wants to be the next Bach)
Michael tells Dez that it’s going to be hard to date after her because no girl could ever measure up. Then, he gets into the rejection limo and starts to whimper, as is customary. He calls his momma to tell her that she won’t be getting to meet Dez. Sad timez.
Next week: A giant penguin in a Hawaiian shirt attacks Dez.
Here we are again, accompanying a beautiful, young and inevitably delusional bachelorette on her journey to find everlasting love. We all remember Dez, right? The Katie Holmes-esque bachelorette from Sean’s season who we all loved at first and then got annoyed with? The tall brunette who insisted that Sean was making the biggest mistake of his life when he let her go, despite the fact that Catherine was the absolute perfect pick and he couldn’t have done a better job of deciding who to propose to? The girl who can chug a bucket of body-temperature goat milk without gagging even once?
So we all remember her. And she still remembers being in love with Sean and still cries about it from time-to-time, but that’s fine. She’s definitely ready to move on to the next chiseled chest and six-pack. And, regardless of whether or not she still tearfully fb stalks Sexy Sean, Dez wants to be in love again.
Desiree opens the episode with a little visualization exercise for us: Picture the last dream you’ve had. Now, x that by 10. Then live in it. That’s where Dez is in real life [Note: This will only work for those of us whose last dream was not a nightmare].
The setting is Malibu. Dez pulls up to the Bachelorette pad in her modest two-door Honda. She’s supes excited to move in, and our beloved host Chris Harrison is equally excited to give her the full tour.
Let’s pause for a quick recap of Dez’s entire life, in case you forgot from last season:
1) She grew up super poor and often lived in a tent with her family.
2) Every time she thinks about poverty/her parents, she cries.
3) Every time she thinks about most things, she cries.
4) She is always crying.
Back to Malibu. Harrison finishes up the house tour and hands Dez keys to a car: Cue the zippy music. Dez cruises down a highway, allowing the wind to run through her hair. Dez roller skates around town, pausing only to try on a pink cowboy hat or two. Dez slides around on playground equipment. Dez feeds/chases nasty seagulls around a beach. Life is good.
Once she’s done being totes adorbs, she sits down with Hare for the obligatory pre-season therapy session:
H: How are you feelin?
D: I’m a real-life Cinderella, because I literally went from rags to riches, ya know?
H: Yeah girl, I know. So…when you’re looking for a guy, what’s important?
D: I need someone who can communicate well and likes to cuddle.
H: Interesting. Are you really ready for this, though? You still cry when Sean’s name is mentioned.
D: I’m ready to let myself be free. I know this is going to be emotionally draining, but I have to go through dating 25 men simultaneously to find a happy ending. Any other dating method isn’t an option for me at this point in my life.
Meeting the men
Bryden
A woman broke his heart, causing him to lose his identity. Decided to join the military. Has a big dog and wears shorts in winter weather.
Will
A banker who lives in Chicago. Is supes into yoga, which he does in a room full of mirrors so he can watch himself sweat it out in the downward dog position. Gives free high fives to people who pass him on city sidewalks. Is annoying.
Zak
Overly tan and has no interest in clothing.
Robert
Entrepeneur…which actually means sign spinner. Has nice lips.
Brandon
The camera loves Brandon.
Dad left his family and mom is an addict. Stays positive and considers himself a hero. Likes to giggle while sitting on park benches.
First Impressions
Here is a list of the worst things that happen while Dez meets all of her bachelors:
1. Will gives Dez a high five and promptly nicknames her “Athena” because she’s like a goddess. He asks for a nickname in return, which makes her feel awkward, so she sends him away with no response.
2. Jonathan gives her a fantasy suite card and key. She says she’s not that kinda girl. He looks fratty and disappointed.
3. Zak, who hates the touch, the feel of cotton (the fabric of our lives) against his skin, shows up wearing no shirt. He asks if she will accept his abs.
4. Larry makes Dez do a dance move and breaks her dress.
5. Diogo staggers forth in a suit of armor and frightens Dez.
Terrified.
In non-scary news, Ben brings his adorable son Brody along for his first introduction to Dez. In addition to Brody being perfectly adorable, his father is dreamy and delish. I’m sold. Ben for the win.
OMG.
Cocktail Party // Rose Ceremony
1. Brandon flipped a coin on whether or not he was going to come on the show, but is already certain that Dez is his future wife.
2. Ben is super hot and his kid is cute….but he claims to be besties with his baby momma. Yikes? He is still awarded the first rose, which naturally brings out the infamous man claws, as seen in previous seasons.
3. Somebody…crumps?
4. Shirtless Zak takes the rest of his clothes off, as we all could have predicted, and jumps into the pool. Instead of getting Dez’s attention with this maneuver as hoped, he is intercepted by social media hashtag guy, who steals her attention and gets alone time. No worries, though. Dez sticks a rose in one of Zak’s belt loops to make him feel better about being an idiot.
5. Dez is obsessed with Juan Pablo because he sounds like that cat in the Shrek movies, plus he knows how to handle a soccer ball.
6. Fantasy Suite Bro decides that it’s time to ask Dez to reconsider his offer about joining him in the boom boom room. He finds an empty space, fluffs a few throw pillows, lights some candles and sets off to attempt seduction. When he finds and propositions her, Dez is visibly disgusted. He doesn’t help his case by openly admitting that he has no filter. He then asks her to please get out of her comfort zone and have sex with him on national television.
She rejects him. He retreats to his makeshift fantasy suite alone and contemplates his ever-growing “love tank,” which has now surpassed full and is overflowing (I am not making this up, he reported this to the camera). He just can’t understand why Dez doesn’t want his bod. His mom tells him he’s handsome every day while she packs his lunch, right before ruffling his hair. At this point, his love tank has become an overwhelming burden. It steadily builds daily, so, and I quote, “…we’re looking at a very large love tank.”
Bro decides he will not take no for an answer. Following the scent of fear, he finds Dez hiding from him in a corner with another bachelor. He grabs her by the hand and pulls her down the dark hallway to his rape cave. She stops him and loudly proclaims that he is a sicko and needs to leave, stat. Good thing she nipped that in the bud before Harrison had to intervene. But I think I speak for all of us when I say it would have been awesome to see Hare in Hulk mode.
7. During the rose ceremony, Dez lets Diogo go, despite the fact that he’s a knight in shining armor. He reports that he is now completely lost and has no idea what to do with his life. But don’t worry, he still believes in love. And he has an explosion of it in his soul to share with someone someday. Diogo for the next Bachelor.
Highlights of what’s coming up this season: People get choked and punched, somebody has a girlfriend (Ben??!? NOOOO!), James is scheming to be the next Bach and the other men think he is a cancer….Everybody cries.
Friends and fellow fans, this is the historic three-hour finale of The Bachelor. This is a moment that America has been waiting for, and our beloved host Chris Harrison is here, as always, to steer us through the turbulent episode ahead. Will Sean finally find the love of his life? Will she be Catherine, as we hope? Will Sean be shirtless a minimum of three times? Only the hours ahead can tell.
We are live in a studio audience full of suburban housewives and the occasional sheepish-looking white man. And there Harrison is, looking handsome, per usual. Adding to the historic-ness of this finale, Harrison announces that Sean has a news-breaking, life-changing, history-altering announcement at the end of the finale (OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG).
“Ladies, ladies…hold the applause. I know it’s hard to stop freaking out over me, but America can’t hear me over your squeals.”
Harrison decides to get a feel for who the crowd is favoring of the final two women.
“All a y’all who love Catherine say, ‘Heeeellll yeah!'”
“HEEELLLLL YEEAAHH!” screams roughly 75% of the women, plus two of the occasional white men in the audience, and me.
“And all a y’all who love WDG say, ‘WOOP WOOP, WOOP WOOP!”
“WOOP WOOP, WOOP WOOP!” scream the rest.
“Let the nation-wide viewing party of The Bachelor begin,” says Harrison, and with a sweep of his hand and a step to the side, he brings our attention to the mounted tv screen on a nearby wall and the episode begins.
Sean is barefoot and in Thailand, making himself at home. He strolls around and thinks about how madly in love he is with two women. He can’t wait to introduce his family to both of them. And guess what?? His family is here! Sean’s family consists of a mom, a dad, a sister, a (sexy) brother-in-law and a tiny niece and nephew.
PRESH
Catherine Meets the Fam
1. Cat is looking sups adorbs, as usual. She’s really nervous about meeting the family, but once she hugs it out with each family member and tells them about how awesome Sean is, they are totally sold.
2. Mom and Cat have some one-on-one time and Cat tells her about the little notes that she always writes to Sean. Well, she tells her about all of them except for that one note that she left a kiss mark on and had him extract from her underwear during a group date. And then she says that Sean started to write notes back to her, which was when she first realized that she might be falling in love with him.
Mom says that Cat is a lovely lady and she would be pleased to have her as a part of the family (BOOMSHAKALAKA).
3. Cat sits down with dad. Cat tells him that she is completely consumed by Sean, which sounds slightly unhealthy, but she’s cute, so we don’t care. Dad is tearful with joy and flattery that his son could bring another such happiness.
“If Sean ends up marrying you, you will never have a bigger fan than me,” says dad. “I will love you like my daughter and I will support you. You’re the one. I know I just met you, but sometimes you just know.”
…wait…did dad just propose to Catherine??
This is the sweetest man on planet earth.
WDG Meets the Fam
1. Everybody thinks WDG’s wedding dress moment on night one is hilarious. I don’t.
2. Dad and WDG sit down for a chat. “How do you know you’re in love with my son?” dad asks. “I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life,” WDG tearfully replies. “He challenges me, makes me feel beautiful and is so supportive. I’m obsessed with your son and I think I would die without him.”
Aaaaand now it’s time for dad to be outrageously sweet again: “When Sean was born his mother and I immediately started praying for his wife,” he begins. “We prayed every day for her, whoever she is. And sometimes when I meet one of these random hoes he dates, I wonder: Is that the one I’ve been praying for? Well, if you’re the one, I couldn’t be more happy.”
Waaaaaait a minute, here. Where does this man’s allegiance lie?? I thought he said he would always be there for Cat! LIES AND DECEIT.
3. Mom and WDG sit down for a chat. By the end of the conversation, WDG is in tears because she wants to be a part of this fam so badly.
Get a grip. (Am I a mean person?)
After WDG leaves, Sean asks his family who they would choose if they were him. Nobody can make a decision because they are both totally hot and awesome. But if we all just dropped the charade and were real with each other for a moment, we would all agree that Catherine is the obvious choice, right??
Mom takes Sean aside to discuss his plans. She asks him how he is going to decide and he admits that he isn’t sure. “You don’t have a lot of time, though,” she wails in despair. “The days are dwindlinnngggg!”
“I know mom,” Sean replies irritably, “Believe me, I know. I already have a lot of pressure and I don’t need anymore added, K?”
“This should be something you’re excited to do,” mom insists, “Not something that you should feel pressured to do…you should just not do this!”
Sean rolls his eyes. “I want your opinion and perspective mom, but honestly, I mostly just want your support. I’ve been going through this and I know what I’m doing so just chill.”
Mom bursts into tears. Sean takes her on a walk to console her. She gets it togeths and decides to be happy for/trust him, whatever the outcome.
After Sean calms momma down from hysterics, he hugs the rest of the fam goodbye and sets about meditating on which woman is best suited for him. What is the best way to do this? Whilst leaning over a balcony, of course.
Claaaaassic balcony pose
Sean and WDG’s Last Date
1. Sean is strolling around looking huge in a tank top that adequately displays his arms when WDG comes walking around the corner in tiny pink shorts. They clasp hands, hop into a raft, pop open some bubbly and snuggle up as they float around Thailand.
2. Later, they sit in another beautiful setting and talk about how they will both be hot when they are old. WDG tells Sean that she loves him, he giggles, and then they make out a bunch.
3. After that, Sean shows up at WDG’s hotel room and they sip some wine and make out. WDG reiterates that he is everything she has ever wanted in life and also admits that if she lost him she would die. Sean stares back at her.
“I wish I knew what you were thinking,” she sighs. “I’m thinking that you look really pretty in that dress,” he replies. Then they make out some more.
“I think all that we do is kiss because that’s all he can do to express himself to me right now. Our kissing is like its own language,” WDG tells the camera.
Yeah, that. Orrrr….he just likes to make out.
4. WDG presents Sean with three lanterns that represent three wishes. Sean and WDG light them together and then send them off into the night sky, which they will sail through and then eventually fall from to pollute the earth and perhaps kill a sea turtle or two.
Sea turtle murder.
Sean and Catherine’s Last Date
1. Sean surprises Cat with an elephant because she’s totes obsessed with elephants. They both don some weird pants and then jump up on their new elephant friend, who politely agrees to take them around Thailand on a countryside tour.
2. Later, they sit in a gorgeous setting and discuss how obsessed with each other they are.
3. After that, Cat lights candles in her hotel suite and invites Sean in for some alone time. Catherine tries to express her feelings despite how hard it is. Right before he leaves her suite for the night, she holds him close, heart beating rapidly, and whispers that she loves him. His reply? “Thank you for today.” #burn
Cat promptly begins to lose it. “He didn’t have a glimmer in his eyes when I told him that,” she breathlessly tells the camera, “HE HATES ME FOR SURE. I DISGUST HIM. I CLEARLY DISGUST HIM.”
4. Cut to Sean, walking away from the hotel and looking extremely pained. Cut back to Catherine, exiting her suite in a panic, tears streaming down her face as she races after him. He turns around and goes to her, cradling her sad little face and kissing her on the forehead. He reassures her that he had a fantastic day riding an elephant with her, they kiss, and part ways. She goes back to her suite, lies face down on the bed, and cries in agony.
And now we’re back in the studio audience, where housewives are wiping away their tears.
A woman in pink, smiling through her pain, while a skeptic sits at her right side.
Harrison starts to interview people and it is a complete waste of my time, so I refuse to provide a recap.
FINALE TIME
1. Sean rubs his body all over with lotions and probably smelly-good stuff too, and then struts over to his balcony in just a towel.
Si si, sir.
Then he goes and puts some clothes on (WHYYYYYYY) and sits around contemplating his impending decision.
2. Later, a knock comes at the door. Who could it be?! Oh yeah, creepy-looking Neil Lane, smiling from ear-to-ear in that terrifying way he has. “Thanks for making the trip to Thailand,” Sean says cordially, and then he sets about finding the perfect ring.
3. Now it’s time for Sean to change. Si! Si! Siiiiiii!
Ohhhh yah.
4. Sean is so filled with joy. It brings him to tears just thinking about the woman he has chosen. She is perfection and he can’t wait to propose.
5. Meanwhile, WDG is looking hollywood glam in a metallic silver gown. Cat looks even more stunning in a gold (for the win) gown.
6. Back in the studio audience, Harrison decides it’s a good idea to interview some of the rejected contestants from this season, but it is actually a very bad idea and nobody is interested in this.
7. Back to the finale. WDG is first up. It takes me a moment to look past the gaudy anchor tattoo on her foot, but now I’m focusing again and seeing that Sean is smiling and grabbing her by the hand. He gives a speech about how amazing she is and then takes a deep breath. He tells her this is the toughest thing he has ever had to do and then promptly breaks up with her.
WDG looks like she wants to die. She takes her heels off. She walks away. Sean cries uncontrollably. They hug it out and she leaves.
8. Harrison delivers Sean a letter from Catherine and it is full of only good things, THANK GOD BECAUSE THAT LETTER SCARED ME AT FIRST. Sean tucks it away tearfully in his breast pocket.
Now, Catherine is here and looking more stunning than ever. Sean takes her by the hand and gives a speech about her amazingness. Then he gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. Her reaction is the most precious thing I’ve ever seen, which makes sense, because she is precious. She says yes, he puts the ring on her finger, and they hop onto an elephant and ride into the sunset. “THIS IS THE COOLEST THING OF MY LIIIIIIFE!” Catherine screams. She’s the best.
YAY!
Oh, and the big mysterious, history-altering news that Harrison mentioned in the beginning? Sean and Cat are getting married on abc for the nation to witness. (Rolling. My. Eyes.)
P.S. Dez is the next Bachelorette. See you here for recaps this summer!
Standing at the nose of a tiny boat, Sean glides into South Thailand, looking manly and determined. As the boat parts the sparkling jade waters, Sean thinks about the three remaining women, Catherine, AshLee and WDG, and admits that he’s totes in love with all of them.
Keeping an eye out for icebergs.
Upon reaching the shore, Sean walks around Thailand looking swole and out of control. He decides he needs to reflect on his love for all of the women, so he seeks out a few settings in which he can do just that. He lays in a hammock. He sits by a fountain wearing shades and a tank. He walks down a sunny pathway. Each setting provides more clarity than the last, and by the time he finds himself wading into a lavish pool, he feels refreshed and ready for this week’s dates.
WDG’s Date
1. “OMG YOU ARE SO CA-UUUUTE,” WDG squeals at seeing Sean. “YOU ARE TOTES ADORBS TOOOOOO!” Sean replies. They hug/kiss it out and jump into a motorcycle/rickshaw thing, which takes them to a food market.
2. This market is magical. Why? Because there are rainbow-colored chicks here.
This is the most incredible and cute thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
3. After peeling themselves away from the rainbow chick booth, Sean and WDG commence to buying/trying strange cuisine, including roasted roaches and/or some other bug that is equally as disgusting.
4. The bug-booth-lady grabs a couple of juicy grubs, stabs them with a stick, splashes some soy sauce on them and hands them over to the merry couple.
Sliiiimy yet satisfying.
5. Sean loves this culinary experience so much that he requests to try a seasoned and kabobed grasshopper. Bug-booth-lady is happy to oblige. WDG feels faint, but she sucks it up in the name of true love and eats a myriad of bugs, among other things.
I don’t care how sexy Sean is, he is not worth that chicken claw. Not at all. Not a cheers-worthy moment.
6. After their yummy lunch, Sean and WDG pop a squat on the beach and have a serious discussion in which Sean admits that WDG is his best friend and she says she would love to move to Texas and give him babies.
7. Later, they have dinner in front of a magical Thai light-up temple thingy. WDG is floored by the beauty surrounding her and feels more in love with Sean than ever. She must tell him how she feels, but she is afraid. She begins a long speech about her obsession with him, and right as she is about to profess her love she is interrupted by a bunch of Thai belly dancers.
8. After the dancers finish their routine and split, Sean chucks the fantasy suite card her way: “Dear Sean and WDG, this is Harrison. Welcome to the majestic land of Thailand. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”
Obvi, WDG is totally down.
9. Once in the suite, WDG finally manages to strangle out that she’s in love with Sean, the whimsical Bachelor music explodes and they make out a bunch.
AshLee’s Date
1. AshLee is convinced that Sean is her one true love and she can’t wait to fall more in love with him on this date. They hop onto a boat and head out into the open sea.
2. Sean wants to get AshLee out of her comfort zone on this date, because she is typically controlling and slightly up-tight. So, naturally, he takes her to a cave of death. Because there’s always a cave of death in every Bachelor/ette season. A cave of death that is deep, dark and treacherous. Sean informs Ash that they will have to swim through the cave to get to their own, private beach on the other side.
3. Somehow, AshLee equates her feelings of uncertainty with the feelings of being abandoned as a child. How she makes this connection is a mystery, but we are all aware that she is a huge fan of symbolism, so we aren’t surprised.
4. Sean and Ash jump into the water and begin their travels through the cave. “I want her to be able to trust me in this situation,” Sean tells the camera. And trust him, she does. I’m not sure I would be able to do the same. Even if Harrison himself was floating before me in a beam of light, beckoning me toward safety, I would still question forward progress into that cave. Who knows what creatures could be lurking in the deep? There is a reason why they make scary movies about caves. Nothing good comes from them. This is a fact.
FEAR.
5. AshLee tells the camera that now, in this dark cave moment, she is more vulnerable than she’s ever been in her life. Especially since Sean has no idea where he’s leading them and they are starting to get lost. In the scary cave movies, the nocturnal creatures wait until you’re good and lost before they attack. This is a fact.
6. Despite their fear and Sean’s terrible sense of direction, they finally make it to the shore of their private beach and make out in celebration.
7. Later, at dinner, AshLee’s stomach is in knots because she’s nervous about Sean offering up the fantasy suite card. She doesn’t want to be seen as a hoe if she stays the night with him. After he gives her the card, she looks like she might hurl.
Sean hurries to explain that his intentions are only to stay up all night and talk. Well…talk and maybe make out a little. AshLee feels safe with him, so she agrees to accompany him to the suite. Immediately after snuggling up with Sean on the fantasy suite couch, AshLee announces the size and cut of her preferred engagement ring (Yikes on bikes).
Catherine’s Date
1. Catherine is more bubbly and cute than ever when she jumps on Sean to say hello. They get on a boat, crack open some wine and snuggle up to chat about how obsessed they are with each other. Cat assures Sean that she’s ready for a commitment, they do back flips into the ocean and then make out in the rain. Fun timez.
Duh duh dang, that girl is hot.
2. At dinner, Sean tells Cat that he can see himself marrying her. Catherine is happy about that, but she’s struggling with the idea of the fantasy suite, much like AshLee. She doesn’t want to give up the cookie so quickly. Sean assures her that he has no intention of taking advantage of her sexy self. He just wants to chat and maybe make out a little. She’s down.
3. In the fantasy suite, Cat tells Sean that people used to make fun of her for being chubby and a lover of snacks.
….Umm…what? Girl, shut up. Just shut up. You are gorgeous and you look like a Disney princess. And I hate you. Jk I love you.
4. Sean tells Cat that she’s smokin’ hot, so they get into the pool and make out a bunch.
Rose Ceremony
1. Sean meets up with Harrison for therapy. As usual, Hare is full of concern for Sean’s well-being throughout this whole process. Sean explains that he doesn’t need a lot of therapy this go-around because he’s positive about who he wants to send home. Despite Harrison’s skeptical eyebrow raise, Sean holds true to his conviction and also states that he fully intends to propose at the end of this because he’s found his wife (Catherine???).
2. Each woman has left Sean a private video message, so Harrison leaves Sean to awkwardly stand in front of a television and watch them. When AshLee’s message pops up, Sean face goes green. As she professes her love and explains the symbolic meaning of their every moment together tearfully, Sean starts to dry heave. Hmm…wonder who he’ll send home??
3. At the rose ceremony, Sean gives the expected speech about his journey thus far and then picks up the first rose. “F***” WDG mutters as she wipes her sweaty brow. Jeez. Sean gives her the first rose despite her potty mouth.
4. Sean waits approximately 3.5 hours before doling out the final rose. And it goes to Catherine, thank goodness.
5. Errebody brace yourself. Ash is going to lose her mind. The camera does a tight shot of her face and…wait. No tears. Just a stony, sullen expression. Pure hatred radiates from her pores, and instead of looking agonized and heartbroken, AshLee looks murderous. She rigidly walks from the room and toward the rejection car.
Anger burns within her.
Sean jogs after her. “AshLee, wait –“, AshLee turns and grips his arm aggressively. “STAY HERE,” she whispers demoniacally. Sean looks scared, but he persists. “Wait, let me explain myself, please,” he says.
Ash turns to face him and stares up at him with dead eyes. Poor Sean looks ready to keel over from the agony of this moment. He explains that he cares for her deeply but just couldn’t see a future for them. She responds with silence and then hops into the rejection car without a backward glance.
Sean is a little shaken up, but feels relieved that he dodged such a huge bullet. AshLee is satanic in her rage, and no man should have to deal with that. He sits down, puts his head between his knees and takes deep breaths, just how Harrison taught him in one of their therapy sessions. That was a close brush with evil and he feels lucky to have escaped unscathed.
Sean is in a major pickle this week because there are four women left and he’s in love with all of them. He’s totally obsessed with AshLee because his and her cheesy-ness levels are complimentary. He thinks Catherine is exciting because she brings out the inner kid in him. He loves Dez because she can take a practical joke and guzzle goat milk like a champ. He’s totally into WDG because she has magical lips and their make out sessions are steamy. So, you can see the predicament America’s favorite bachelor is in. He prays that the hometown dates will provide clarity before the next rose ceremony.
AshLee’s Hometown: Austin, Texas
1. AshLee strolls around a park and kisses her dog on the mouth while she waits for Sean to arrive.
2. When Sean shows up, they sit for a picnic and talk about how much their families have in common. Both of their fathers are pastors, but they aren’t pastors of the average variety. They are motorcycle-riding, badass pastors. Sean and AshLee bond over this information.
3. AshLee is enamored by Sean.
AshLee: “God, you amaze me every time you talk.” Sean: (giggle giggle) “Stoppppp.”
4. Next, AshLee takes Sean to her parents’ house for dinner. Dad wants to know everything about her experiences on the show thus far. AshLee stays true to her cheesy nature and explains the symbolic meaning behind each of the dates she’s been on. When she gets around to describing the polar bear plunge, she starts to cry.
“Jumping into those icy waters was amazing,” she strangles out, “Being submerged in that lake represented me letting go of all of my fears and allowing myself to become obsessed with this blonde god sitting next to me.”
Dad’s mustache twitches with skepticism.
5. Next, AshLee tells her parents about how she and Sean got frisky on one of their dates. The reason/thought process behind this is a mystery.
6. Sean and Dad sit down and Sean asks some serious questions.
S: Soooo…Ash was married at 17, meaning you had to sign off on that. Seems like a poor parenting moment, do you want to explain why you did that?
D: (with tears in his eyes) I didn’t want to lose her. It was the saddest day of my life.
S: K good to know. And I’m assuming her control issues have to do with her abandonment, right?
D: Correct.
S: Baggage city, huh. Well. I can’t make any promises as of now, but if she ends up not sucking, do I have your blessing to propose?
D: Sure.
7. Back at the dinner table, Dad tells the story of how he and his wife met AshLee at age 4, immediately fell in love with her and adopted her. In living rooms across the nation, Bachelor fans burst into tears. What a sweet, perfect story.
8. AshLee is lookin pretty good. Maybe she’ll win. Maybe she’s my favori — “Today is magical. It’s like there’s pixie dust everywhere,” AshLee tells the camera. Nope. Never mind. Team Catherine all the way.
Catherine’s Hometown: Seattle, Washington
1. Cat is gorgeous and exciting as usual. She immediately takes Sean around town to see the Seattle sights. They hang out at a fish market and participate in throwing cold, slimy fish around. Sadly, nobody gets smacked across the face with a fish. I was hoping that would happen.
Catherine is a fish-catchin’ fool.
2. Next, they listen to some guy on the street play the banjo and Sean dances atrociously. Then, they eat food together and smear it all over their faces. This day is the best! Can I date Catherine?? She rocks.
3. Catherine takes Sean to meet her family. He sits down with her sisters, grandmother and mom, cracks open some wine, loads up on some snacks and dives head first into the pool of estrogen.
4. Sean spends some one-on-one time with grandma and she screams out that he’s handsome/grabs for his crotch. Woah dere.
Slow your roll, Frisky Grams.
5. Catherine has a chat with her sisters about Sean. They are pretty skeptical of her blossoming love. Big sister is especially suspicious. “I thought you came on the show for some free vacations and fun,” she says. “And now you’re allegedly in love?! I. Am. Flabbergasted.”
Catherine desperately defends herself but fails to convince them.
6. Sean sits down with the sisters and asks if they could see Catherine settling down in the near future. Somehow their answer to this snowballs into a Catherine-bashing session. “She goes in 100% with guys,” big sis explains, “and she has tons of fun and acts silly and smears food on her face like a child, but then….the fun dies.” Sean looks concerned, which encourages big sis to continue.
“She’d probably want to have kids soon, but she def. won’t settle down…she’s fine with having bastard children, for sure. Also, she’s super messy. She leaves clothes everywhere. And she has mood swings. She hasn’t been diagnosed yet, but I’m positive that she’s bipolar. Honestly, Sean, she might be certifiably insane.”
Sean gulps big. Mission Destroy Catherine’s Hopes and Dreams: Accomplished. Way to go, big sis.
7. Sean asks Cat’s mom for her blessing and she completely dodges the question, despite the fact that he helped her prepare snacks earlier.
Is there anything sexier than a man in the kitchen? No. No there isn’t.
WDG’s Hometown: Fort Leonardwood, Missouri
1. WDG takes Sean to a cupcake shop to chat about her fam. Sean is super nervous about meeting her dad, who is an army general. “Should I call him General?” Sean asks. “No, just call him Mark,” WDG replies. “Well if he gives me permission to, I will,” Sean says, “but what should I call him initially? I’m freaking out, here.”
“Well…don’t call him anything. When you first see him just say, ‘Haaaaaayyyy!'” says WDG. Good plan.
2. Before taking him home, WDG has something up her sleeve. She gives Sean army clothes to change into and takes him to the army base. She makes him stand on a slab of concrete and yells at him like a drill sergeant. Then she spanks him and watches him do push ups/other athletic activities.
Wait…is this role-playing? Foreplay? I feel uncomfortable.
3. WDG takes Sean to her parents’ house. Mom is super bubbly and excited. She asks Sean if he’s falling in love with WDG and he admits that he’s in love with everybody, so it’s hard to tell. She admires his honesty.
4. Sean is super nervous to talk to the general, but he goes ahead and asks for his blessing. The general is feeling skeptical because he’s known Sean for 63 minutes thus far, but he mulls it over.
He launches into a long analogy about being a paratrooper and says something about authority/decision-making that doesn’t have anything to do with the present conversation. Eventually he circles back to Sean and WDG’s love and gives his blessing. Whew. Glad that unexpected journey is over.
Sean’s eyes are glazing over with boredom and his lips are pursed in confusion.
5. Dad awards Sean with dog tags at the end of the evening, so he and Sean hug it out. Then he heads outside and makes out with WDG a bunch before saying goodbye.
Desiree’s Hometown: Los Angeles, California
1. Dez is decked out in athletic wear for her day with Sean. Upon seeing him, she sprints toward him and wraps her legs around his body:
2. After holding hands and making out a bunch, Dez decides to take Sean to her house, where she will be hosting dinner for the fam. Desiree’s house is super cute, and she has tons of Pinterest projects on every wall.
3. Sean helps Dez set the table and then they pop a squat on the couch to wait for the family’s arrival. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. Dez goes to answer it. A desperate-looking young man is standing on her doorstep. He bursts into the house with urgency and looks dead at the camera.
“Hi,” he says dramatically, “Where have you been? I’ve been texting and calling non-stop!!! I’m in love with you!!! I NEED YOU BACK!”
….is anybody buying this over-the-top display of passion?
Sean is on the defense. He stands up and clenches his fists. “Is this guy bothering you?” he asks Dez. “Listen man, you need to leave.”
The obvious actor puts a hand on Sean’s shoulder and tells him to step away. Sean is infuriated. “Don’t put your hands on me,” he says in a dangerously low voice.
Just as Sean is about to beat the snot out of this little guy, Dez bursts into a smile and screams “GOTCHAAAAA!” Sean grins and takes the prank like a champ. Dez thinks his protective nature is hot. We do too.
4. Dez’s family shows up. Her parents look like nerdy librarians, but her brother has two tattoo sleeves, so he’s clearly hardcore. He sits down with Dez and tells her that he thinks Sean is an imposter who will hurt her. Dez isn’t buying it.
5. Sean sits down with bro next.
Bro: Desiree is really into you, but you obviously don’t reciprocate.
S: What?! I’m totally into her. No idea what you’re talking about.
Bro: There’s not a connection, ya feel meh?
S: Nope. Not feelin’ ya. I’m crazy about her.
Bro: Yeah, you’re crazy about a lot of girls because you’re a man whore.
S: I’m sorry I gave you that impression, but you’re wrong. I’m a wholesome guy. I’ve never even grazed Desiree’s butt, okay. Trust me, I’m the furthest thing from a man whore.
Bro: Whatevs, I see the lie in your eyes.
“You’re tacky, and I hate you.”
6. Sean really wants to punch bro in the face, but he keeps his emotions under control for Dez’s sake. The rest of dinner with the fam is ruined because Sean can’t stop sending death stares bro’s way. Bro snickers with satisfaction and Dez holds back tears. Poor girl.
Rose Ceremony
AT LONG LAST, SEAN BARES HIS NAKED TORSO ONCE MORE!
1. Sean is confused. His hometown visits with Dez and Cat were rough and he’s unsure what to do. But there’s one thing he does know for sure: He needs some counseling from Harrison.
S: I’m confused.
H: Not surprising. Are all of the women on the chopping block tonight?
S: Nope, just Dez, because her brother is my nemesis, and Cat, because her sisters told me she’s bipolar.
H: Welp. Don’t know what to tell ya. Good luck.
Well that was productive.
2. Sean stands in front of the women and stares down at the three roses he has to give out. He tells them that he still has no idea what to do and he’s scared he’ll eff up. Before giving out the first rose, he runs away. Is he going to throw up in the bathroom? No. He just needs to think some more.
Harrison comes to console him. And by console him I mean he just says, “GET IT RIGHT,” and then leaves.
3. When Sean returns to the rose ceremony, Dez pulls him outside for a last minute chat. She’s shaking and crying and apologizes for her brother’s behavior. Too little, too late, Dez. Sean aint got time to be related to a psychopath. He’ll pass on being brothers-in-law with that fool. No rose for you.
4. Dez is more than 99.9% sure that Sean made the wrong decision. While riding away in the rejection limo she says, and I quote, “I don’t even know what I’m gonna do about my life.” I think it’s safe to say that Dez’s life has been ruined over a reality television show. This is a sad day.
Being the rebel bachelor that he is, Sean breaks the rules and makes the trip into St. Croix with the remaining women. They pile into a plane together and giggle as they soar over tropical blue waters. Once at their hotel, Sean leaves the girls to explore his new pad and they run around their hotel suite, squealing at everything in sight.
Well, all of the girls except for Tierra, who is reaching into a dusty, dark closet to liberate a neglected cot. She would rather die than sleep in the same room as the other women, so she opts to create her own sleeping space. She unfolds the cot, pushes it against the wall and diligently picks off the occasional piece of hair/bed bug/flea while the other girls giggle together and search for the liquor cabinet in the next room.
Tierra inspects her bug ridden cot.
The first date card arrives: “AshLee, let’s get carried away…”
Tierra is full of hatred, as usual. As AshLee leaves the room to start getting ready for the date, Tierra mutters to the other girls that Ash is a major cougar. “She’s so ancient,” Tierra tells the camera, “She’s like 32 years old. Crypt Keeper status, right?! I mean, she might as well roll over and die at this point.”
Sean and AshLee’s Date
1. Sean takes AshLee to the beach, where they immediately strip down. He tells her that they have to swim out to the boat where they will be spending the day, which is located a few yards from the shore. They frolic around in the ocean and AshLee is feeling more in love with every passing moment.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The girls are laying out and discussing how demonic Tierra is. They are really hoping that AshLee will inform Sean of her evil ways. They are disgusted that Tierra would rather sleep on a flea infested cot than the beautiful beds that Harrison has arranged for them to have in their suite. They all agree that Harrison should step in and save this entire situation.
Back at the date…
2. Sean and AshLee are laying out on the beach. Sean has been holding his curiosity at bay long enough, so he busts out the question he’s been dying to ask: “Soooo…tell me about the drama surrounding Tierra.”
AshLee has been waiting for this moment. “She’s the devil,” Ash explains. “For realz. When she speaks, all I can hear is Lucifer’s voice. Also, she does this weird eyebrow thing, like her right eyebrow can lift up so high that it touches her hairline when she gets mad. That’s got to be some voodoo trick or something.”
Sean listens intently and nods his head. “AshLee is real and genuine,” he tells the camera, “So I believe every word she says.”
3. As a reward for giving him insider information, Sean allows AshLee to lay on top of him as the tide rushes up around them.
Uncomfortably erotic.
Meanwhile back at the hotel…
Tierra’s date card arrives: “Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix.”
“Ummm…oh hell no,” Tierra exclaims. “I am not about to be walkin’ up and down no streets. I’m gonna be sweating and bugs will be attacking me…my makeup will start melting off of my face…I’m not into this at all. I want Sean to take me to a yacht. And I want him to give me diamonds to wear. THIS IS SO UNFAIR.”
Back at the date…
4. Sean has a romantic ocean-side dinner planned for AshLee. As they sit down to eat, he launches right into intense conversation:
S: If everything goes well, I’m gonna meet your family. Is there anything I should know before that happens?
A: (looks like she’s going to barf)…Umm…yeah.
S: ……..?
A: I want to tell you something but I’m afraid it’s gonna send you running.
S: ……..?
A: So I really wanna just throw this out there and breeze through it…and I want to speak it into the atmosphere and then just watch it dissipate, much like a gaseous substance….and then I want it to be over and done with, ya know?
S: ……..?
A: I’m really sorry for this…but…ten years ago I was in high school and I was having a really hard time with my parents. I was all confused about being adopted and rebelling against them and stuff…and I really hated my mom, ya know?
S: Did you murder her?
Sean’s eyes, glistening with tears for AshLee’s murdered mother. Sean’s lips, glistening with AshLee’s lip gloss.
A: What? No…I had a boyfriend and I married him at the age of 17. And then I divorced him at age 18.
S: You got married as a junior in high school?!
A: Yep. Do you hate me?
S: No way. I’m totes obsessed with you. Come here girl, lemme lick yo upper lip.
A: K!
5. AshLee is so overcome with love for Sean that she stands up on the table and screams “HELLLLOOO ST. CRRROOOIIIXXX!!!!”
Instead of being like, “Wtf, sit yo a** down girl and quit wakin’ people up,” Sean is smitten and joins her in screaming “hello” to St. Croix.
“You ready for this?” Ash asks him. “Sure,” Sean replies.
“I LOVE SEAAAAANNNNN!!!!” she screams with arms held high.
“I luh you, girl.”
Sean and Tierra’s Date
1. Sean wants to use this date to investigate Tierra’s character. He takes her on a stroll around the streets of St. Croix so they can soak in the culture.
“It’s hot, I feel gross and I’m thirsty,” Tierra tells the camera.
2. They talk to a few street vendors and Tierra gets Sean to buy her some souvs. And by souvs I mean tons of jewelry.
3. As they are walking they happen upon a street parade, full of people dancing in sequined body suits and standing on stilts. Sean and Tierra naturally hop in and start to dance with the brightly colored locals. Sean tells the camera that he is trying to search for her inner evil, but he keeps getting drawn in by her energy and “great” personality.
4. Twerkin’ it in that parade made them both pretty thirsty, so they get some snow cones and pop a squat on some steps. To Tierra’s annoyance, Sean asks her about how things are going with her and the other girls. She tells him that they are sups jeal of her because she got the first impression rose and never include her in anything/always leave her out (LIES AND DECEIT!).
5. Later, at dinner, Tierra tells Sean that she feels he has been distant throughout their date. He admits that it’s probably because the girls have informed him that she is indeed the devil in human form.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The group date card arrives for Catherine, Desiree and WDG: “Love is on the Horizon”
Back at the date…
6. Tierra whispers in Sean’s ear that she’s falling in love with him and he comes to the conclusion that she’s not the devil, she’s actually a very sweet person. What a dummy.
Group Date
1. Sean sneaks into the ladies’ hotel at 4 am with a flashlight to rouse them for their date. He surprise attacks them while they are sleeping and takes Polaroid pictures of their makeup-less faces. What a jerk. Good thing they all look inexplicably perfect in the morning. Especially Catherine who is a freak of nature and looks like Pocahontas. Hate her. Jk I love her.
Stop being a perfect morning princess, Cat.
2. The girls hurry to get dressed and then pile into Sean’s jeep. He takes them across the island so they can watch the sunrise. After that’s over, he tells them that they will be taking a road trip to the other side of the island, where they will end the day with watching the sunset.
3. Sean and the girls hit up a few historical spots throughout the day. Dez and he are having a major connection, so WDG and Catherine feel pretty left out for most of the date. Sad times.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
Lesley’s date card arrives: “I hope our love stands the test of time”
Back at the date…
4. Sean and the girls have made it to the other side of the island and are splashing around in the ocean. Sean pulls WDG aside for some alone time and he admits to her that he used to think she was crazy, but now he loves making out with her so it’s all good.
5. During Catherine’s alone time with Sean, she tells him yet another traumatic story from her past: She and her sisters witnessed her father’s attempted suicide. Thankfully, he wasn’t successful and ended up living, but now he is in China so Cat only talks to him every once in a while. Sean is awed by her and finds her strength to be sexy.
6. During Dez’s alone time with Sean she starts to cry because her family means so much to her and she wants what her parents have so badly. She’s figuring that she will for sure get the date rose because she shed so many tears.
7. Sean awards the date rose to WDG, which is highly upsetting.
Lesley and Sean’s Date
1. Lesley is totally hot and has a great sense of humor, but that doesn’t impress Sean. He’s not feeling a connection with her, so he’s hoping this date will help him figure out whether or not she’s his future wife.
2. Lesley is feeling super nervous because she has officially fallen in love with Sean and wants to tell him. When they sit down for a picnic/chat, she starts to give the “I love you” speech but instead of ending it with the appropriate words, she cuts herself off and exclaims that she wants to go pick fruit.
3. Sean pins Lesley against a fence to see if they have any passion. She is super awkward and shifty eyed because his beauty terrifies her.
Lesley is afraid and avoiding eye contact because Sean’s hunky bod is so close to her.
“Her being nervous was cute at the beginning of this whole thing,” Sean tells the camera, “But now it’s just annoying. I want to be able to makeout with her with ease, dammit.”
Lesley finally starts kissing Sean but after he pulls away she’s sweating buckets and gasping for breath. Poor girl.
Sean’s Convo with Sis // Tierra and AshLee’s Fight
1. Sean is in deep turmoil over the upcoming rose ceremony. He’s officially in love with several women and he needs some help making decisions. So, he flies his sis in to give him some advice.
2. They sit down for a chat and Sean says that he’s worried about hurting some of the girls. Her response? “If you break someone’s heart, oh well. They’ll get over it.” …..I like her.
Preach, sista.
3. Sean admits that he could see the possibility of marriage with all of them and none of them stand out, which is a major prob. He also says that Tierra has been stirring up trouble among the other girls. Sis no likey. She asks to meet Tierra stat, so she can make the final decision on her fate. Sean heads off to fetch her.
4. Meanwhile, back at the hotel suite, Tierra is confronting AshLee about sabotaging her and making her look bad in front of Sean. AshLee admits that yes, she told Sean that Tierra is rude, which is the truth. She also says that she would have never brought Tierra up if Sean hadn’t asked.
Tierra is enraged. “You girls are obvi just jealous of me because I’m so fabulous! MEN LOVE ME! I SPARKLE AND SHINE! And guess what else, AshLee?! You’re super old. When I’m your age I want to be married with children, not gossiping with girls in their 20’s.”
Low blow, T-devil. Low blow.
5. As the fight is escalating, Sean is walking in what appears to be slow motion up to the hotel suite. Hustle, Sean! Hurry! You’re gonna miss Tierra in action!
6. Sean is still approx. 50,000 miles away from the suite and Tierra is raging on.
Lesley and Cat watch as the dramz unfold.
“MY MOMMA TOLD ME THAT I HAVE A SPARKLE. AND SHE WARNED ME NOT TO LET YOU WOMEN TAKE THAT SPARKLE AWAY! AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF MY SPARKLE IS STOLEN BY A BUNCHA SISTER WIVES SUCH AS YOURSELVES.
You say I ignore you and make faces at you?! Well guess what, I have a condition. My right eyebrow raises up really high and I can’t control it. It’s called forehead spasms, okay?!? So I hope you’re happy now for making fun of someone with a DISABILITY. If I tried to hold my eyebrow down all the time, my face would get tired. But you don’t even care about my comfort, do you?! NO, YOU DON’T. YOU NEED TO DIE IMMEDIATELY — THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.”
7. Let’s check back with Sean….Oh look, he’s traveling at snail’s pace up the path to the suite. Srsly, Sean. Grandma was slow too, but she had a reason. Hurry. The eff. Up.
Sean enters the suite just as the fight has ended. He finds Tierra sobbing on her cot. He puts an arm around her and asks her what’s wrong. She strangles out a few sentences about how this experience is hard for her, everyone hates her, blah blah blah. She clings to him while she sobs. He peels her off of him and excuses himself so he can think. He stands outside and frowns at his toes. What to do, what to do…?
After getting his mind right, he heads back inside and sits down next to Tierra again. “Listen, Tierra. I flew my sister here to meet you.” She bursts into a fresh round of tears. “WHYYYYY??” she whines. “It doesn’t really matter,” he replies, “because now I can clearly see that you are a hot mess and that’s not going to change. It wasn’t my intention to come here and upset you but…you need to go home.”
Surprisingly, Tierra doesn’t put up a fight. She lets Sean escort her to the rejection van. Once the sliding door closes she sobs again and screams, “I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO MEEEEEEE!”
Bye bye, beezy.
Rose Ceremony
1. AshLee is nervie because Sean got rid of Tierra because of recent drama, which she was involved in. Sean gives a short speech in front of the women about how he feels he made the right decision and will no longer tolerate dramz of any kind. As he says the word “dramz” he stares AshLee deep in the eyes. She pees herself with fear.
2. Sean tells the girls that he is skipping the cocktail party and going straight into the rose ceremony because he’s confident about who he wants to send home. AshLee pees and poops herself with fear.
3. This rose ceremony is especially intense. Sean picks up a rose from a bed of seashells and stares ominously at the women. He calls Dez’s name. He calls Catherine’s name. Aaaaaand he calls AshLee’s name. Lesley is going home.
4. Catherine is distraught at seeing Lesley go. She thinks Lesley is the bee’s knees and can’t imagine why Sean wouldn’t want her. She feels that Sean has more in common with Lesley than with her, so now she is worried. She clearly doesn’t realize that she has the beauty of Pocahontas and is also tons of fun.
Coming up: Hometown dates/Dez’s brother tries to kill Sean.
Sean gingerly steps across a log-littered beach in picturesque Canada. He was feeling doubtful about finding his wife in the last episode, but the crisp air and beautiful mountains around him have given him a fresh outlook. His hope in abc’s ability to deliver his soul mate has been restored.
Srsly, he almost wiped out.
While Sean trips over a few more logs, the women meet up with Harrison, who makes the usual announcement about the date line-up for the week: Two one-on-one’s; one group date. Then he sets them loose on their hotel suite, in which they quickly discover the first date card:
“Catherine, let’s find our fairy tale ending.”
Cute little Catherine plans to do just that. “I know today is gonna be perfect,” she tells the camera in excitement.
Sean and Catherine’s Date
1. Aaaaaand cue tight shots of her tortured expression as she is slapped repeatedly in the face by ice particles. She awaits Sean whilst standing in a frozen tundra.
The ninth circle in Dante’s Inferno: Frozen hell.
2. Catherine squints against the blizzard and waits for Sean to show up, but she can’t see beyond three feet in front of her. Suddenly, in the near distance, she hears a loud rumble. Is that the abominable snowman? Lurching forth from this bright white hell?
Nah. It’s just Sean in a snow bus. He hops out, hands her a red snow suit and they embark on a bumpy ride across the snowy plains.
3. After a few minutes of driving, Sean parks the bus and the two head out into the snow. This seems like a terrible idea, seeing as a blizzard is happening. Good thing Catherine is fun-loving and totally awesome. She suggests they do a few backflips/cartwheels through the snow. Then they make snow angels and before they know it, they’re having a blast.
4. Later, the two hop into a horse-drawn carriage, which takes them to an impressive ice castle. Within, they find a blazing fire and huge chunks of ice. Sean uses a pick to chip away some ice for their drinks. This seems weird and unnecessary.
Meanwhile, back at the suite…
The group date card arrives: “Let’s ‘bear’ our souls”
Back at the date…
5. Catherine may be fun and goofy, but she has a serious side too and she’s ready to show it to Sean. She tells him a completely disturbing story about how she witnessed a tree crush/instantly kill a girl at summer camp when she was 12 years old (woah dere). Somehow, she ties this into an explanation of why she’s totally obsessed with Sean. He’s into it. He gives her the date rose.
Group Date
1. Sean invites the girls to canoe across a lake with him. All of the girls jump into canoes together except for Lesley, who hops into Sean’s canoe. The others instantly wish she would die. In fact, Selma vocalizes that she wishes a shark would jump out of the water and eat her, and then creepy-laughs. From now on, I shall refer to her as Sinister Selma.
2. When they reach the shore on the other side of the lake, Sean informs the women that they will be participating in the “Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge” aka a life-threatening dip into sub-zero waters.
3. Not surprisingly, nobody is excited. Except for Sean. He could possibly be acting overly excited in an attempt to convince himself that this is a good idea. Regardless, that’s no excuse for the fact that he yells “YOLO!” at all of the worried women. Omg, shut up Sean.
4. Certified medical people show up to inform them that they could very possibly die from this reckless endeavor. And Sinister Selma is immediately all like, hell naw, I aint doin this.
Whoooo! Let’s go die of hypothermiaaaa!
5. Sean and the girls strip down and jump into the freezing water. When they run out onto the shore they are all feeling exhilarated. “That was the most amazing experience ever,” they all squeal with joy. Wait…where’s Tierra. Oh, there she is. Dying on a slab of ice nearby.
The medics rush over to grab her as her labored breathing escalates and she sways/wobbles around on the ground. She is wrapped in towels and carried to a car, which rushes her back to the hotel.
Lookin’ terrible.
6. Catherine and Dez are witnessing the scene from their suite balcony and quickly scurry downstairs to see who is hurt. When they see Tierra shaking uncontrollably and looking a hot mess, they begin to worry about how the other girls are doing.
The other girls burst into the hotel doing cartwheels and screaming, still exhilarated from their polar bear plunge experience.
Meanwhile, Tierra is getting her entire body rubbed down by a medical team while she eats a sandwich.
7. Later, Sean enters Tierra’s hotel room to find her laid out like a terminally ill patient in her bed, hooked up to an oxygen tank. He cuddles up with her and tells her that she looks adorable, despite the circumstances. What a dummy.
8. Sean leaves Tierra to go on the second part of the group date: A cocktail party with the ladies.
Meanwhile, back at the suite…
Desiree’s date card arrives: “Don’t be scared…to fall in love.”
While Dez reads her card, Tierra has somehow found the strength to drag herself out of her bed and is caking makeup onto her face. She’s gonna crash yet another party.
Back at the date…
9. The girls are in the midst of bashing Tierra when she busts into the party. Sean is completely delighted to see her, so he immediately pulls her aside for some alone time. He is so smitten that he goes so far as to ask her if she would want a proposal from him at the end (Oh heeeellll to the naw).
10. Sean is officially freaked out by Sarah because she showed him pictures of her family. She tells Sean that she wants him to meet them asap. This makes him scream on the inside, so he decides he can’t lead her on no mo’.
After the date, Sean shows up to the girls’ suite and asks Sarah to come with him. He sits down with her and tells her that he liked her in the beginning, but lately he’s been forcing it. Then he walks her down the hall to the girls’ suite and leaves her there to cry it out alone. Sad timez.
Que triste.
Sean and Desiree’s Date
1. Sean leads Dez to a bluff overlooking gorgeous scenery. He tells her that they are going to repel down the side of a mountain to get to their picnic awaiting below. Dez is all about it.
2. They attach themselves to ropes and crawl backwards down the mountainside. Dez starts to get a little scared, so they pause to makeout a little until she gets her courage back.
3. They finally make it to the bottom and commence to picnicin’. Desiree challenges Sean to a tree-climbing competition, so they both shimmy up an evergreen as fast as they can. Once standing among the branches they make out and laugh together, Twilight style.
4. Sean makes a joke and Dez laughs loudly. Her laugh echos across he Canadian wilderness and the camera pans out to reveal a moose, standing in a stream, staring and licking its chops. Thanks for that, abc.
5. Later, Sean and Desiree snuggle fireside and Sean is wearing a hideous sweater. They gush about how obsessed with each other they are and then Dez proceeds to explain why she’s so awesome. She lived in a tent for four months once and her family is super poor. This has made her humble and an ideal person. Sean likey.
Rose Ceremony
1. Sinister Selma wants to redeem herself for not being courageous and jumping into the ice cold water of death earlier. She tells Sean to sit still and then slow-mo approaches him for an awkward kiss. Welp. It’s official. Her family will never accept her into their home or hearts again.
2. WDG tells Sean in their alone time that she’s not going to kiss him because that’s all they ever do, and she wants to talk, apparently. Then she proceeds to tell Sean she sleeps naked with her face two centimeters away from his. Hmmm…wonder if they’ll end up kissing?? Buncha dummies.
3. Lindsee asks Sean to blindfold her and lead her around the hotel as a symbol of her letting him lead her in their relationship. He picks her up and carries her, TheBodyguard style. Then he makes out with her while she’s blindfolded, which is kinda hot.
4. Sean sends Sinister Selma and rando blonde girl who we always forget about home.
Next week: Sean takes the remaining women to the tropical/romantic destination of St. Croix.
This is my hobby. 